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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24723169">This Is Where We Begin</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ben_Solo_Good_Boy_Sweater_Emporium/pseuds/Ben_Solo_Good_Boy_Sweater_Emporium'>Ben_Solo_Good_Boy_Sweater_Emporium</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), I'm Bad At Tagging, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One True Pairing, Romantic Soulmates, Secret Relationship, Slow Romance, Talking, Time Shenanigans, True Love, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Rey (Star Wars)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:41:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>33,657</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24723169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ben_Solo_Good_Boy_Sweater_Emporium/pseuds/Ben_Solo_Good_Boy_Sweater_Emporium</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How would Rey and Ben's lives have been different if the Force had brought them together at a much younger age?</p><p>A re-imagined Sequel Trilogy dyad.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey/Ben Solo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>218</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>410</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>friggin' Time Travel</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I hope this isn't too confusing, but each chapter title of the story is a number, representing Ben and Rey's approximate ages during that chapter.</p><p>I know he is a canonically a decade older than her. Trust me, it will all make sense in the end. </p><p>Across space *and* time, y'all. :-)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time it happens Rey is nine, though she doesn’t know that.</p><p>Plutt was especially awful today, even for him. He wasn’t satisfied with the haul she brought in, bellowed that she wasn’t earning her keep. She managed to get away from Niima Outpost but the wrist he grabbed is bruised and her chest burns with fury at the injustice of being publicly shamed.</p><p>The rage is what finally drives her to tears. It’s so unfair. She works and works and works until she’s dizzy with heat and hunger, but no matter what she finds, it is never good enough. Plutt is never satisfied, let alone pleased. Rey could drop dead in the middle of a shattered freighter and not one single solitary soul in the entire galaxy would notice or care. If they found her body, they would strip it for parts like any other carcass in the desert. Her bones would sink under the sand and that would be an end of it.</p><p>She thumps her small fist into the metal wall of the AT-AT in frustration. She found this wreck a few months back and is thinking of sleeping here permanently, once she figures out how. It’s too far to walk to the Graveyard and then back to Niima every day. If only she had some kind of speeder…</p><p>There’s a noise behind her and when she spins around, a boy is standing on the other side of the compartment. He’s just looking at her, mouth hanging open in surprise.</p><p>Rey grabs the closest thing she can reach, a heavy coupling with only a minor crack. She holds it up threateningly, though it weighs enough that her sore wrist shakes a little. He had better not think she’s afraid of him. She isn’t.</p><p>“Get out!” she screams. “This one is mine! I was here first!”</p><p>The boy’s eyes open wider but he doesn’t move. He has big ears sticking out of his dark hair. She can see in the light from the hatch that they’re getting redder and redder, but still he won’t back down.</p><p>Rey advances. She throws the coupling at him but he dances out of the way. “Are you crazy?” he finally yells. “This is my room! You get out!”</p><p>She’s going to have to fight him. There’s no way around it. This AT-AT is too good of a find to lose. The boy is a bit taller than she is, but he seems reluctant to fight back so she thinks she might be able to win. There’s a twisted section of metal bar laying on the ground and she grabs for it, holding it in front of her with both hands.</p><p>“I’ve never seen you here before,” she spits. “I’ve been clearing this place out for months. It’s mine and I’m not giving it up. This is your last warning. Get out or I will brain you!”</p><p>She’s got the boy backed into a corner. He’s looking at her like she’s deranged. “This is my bedroom, in my house. I’ve lived here my whole life.” An idea strikes him. She sees it cross his face as plainly as the shadow of a ship topping a sandbank. “Why don’t I call my mom and she can come explain it to you? She’s good at explaining things. She’s a senator.”</p><p>Rey isn’t sure what a senator is but it’s plain enough that he means to intimidate her, so it must be something important. “My parents are the king and queen. I’ll just have the royal guards come and arrest you.” She brandishes the bar again.</p><p>“Where did you even get that?” he demands. “Or the other thing you threw at me?” He looks around wildly. “Where did it go?”</p><p>Rey can see the coupling from where she’s standing. It’s very close to the boy and he should be able to see it, too. This whole thing must be some kind of con.</p><p>But something else is odd, though she’s only just noticing it. The clothes he’s wearing are much too fine for Jakku. He’s got on a long-sleeved shirt that’s dark green. There is beautiful stitching on the sleeves, little swirls and twists in different colors. Rey has never seen anything like it. The fabric looks soft, much too elegant to work in, and it’s too thick for the summer heat. But the boy doesn’t look at all uncomfortable inside the stifling hot shell.</p><p>“Aren’t you roasting?” she blurts out.</p><p>He’s even more confused. “Why would I be? It’s cold in here. It’s <em>always</em> cold in here.”</p><p>Now Rey is the one staring, open-mouthed. “Cold?”</p><p>The boy glances over his shoulder, motioning toward the blank metal of what was once the ceiling. “Yeah, it’s snowing. See?”</p><p>For the first time, Rey feels a tingle of fear. Either this boy is the best liar she has ever met or something truly strange is happening. Probably he’s just demented. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s so hot in here I can hardly breathe.” As proof, she wipes a hand across her forehead and shows him the sheen of perspiration on her fingers. “<em>See?</em>”</p><p>He takes a step toward her, almost involuntarily, and she swings the rod back as if to hit him.</p><p>“Hey, take it easy. I’m not gonna hurt you.”</p><p>Rey snorts. Of course he isn’t going to hurt her. He isn’t going to lay a finger on her. She’ll see to that.</p><p>“And I don’t particularly want to <em>get</em> hurt, either. Can you just back off? Let me prove to you that I’m telling the truth, that I’m in my own room.” He holds up both of his hands so she knows they are empty. Then he cautiously reaches one hand into the corner of the walker. There is nothing for him to grab so Rey isn’t particularly worried. She loses sight of his hand in the gloom but when he pulls it back he’s clutching something else she has never seen before. Something she is certain was not in this place. He holds it out to her like a peace offering.</p><p>“What is that?” she asks, her stomach cramping.</p><p>“Just a piece of jogan fruit,” he says. He tries again to give it to her but she backs away as he comes closer. The fruit is round and purple and Rey is so hungry, but what if this is another ploy?</p><p>“You can have it if you want,” he says quietly. She sees his eyes take her in from top to toe. A hot flood of humiliation rips through her, then anger. Why should she be embarrassed? There is nothing she can do about being poor, is there? She shakes her head stubbornly.</p><p>“I’ll leave it here,” the boy says. He reaches out as if to put the fruit down but there’s nothing around him. It’s as though he intends to drop it straight to the ground. When he opens his fingers, the fruit vanishes.</p><p>“It’s gone!” she gasps.</p><p>“No, it’s right here,” he reassures her, reaching down. Again the fruit appears in his hand.</p><p>Rey eyes him mistrustfully. “What are you?” she cries. “Are you one of those…” she searches her memory for the word, “those <em>sorcers</em>?”</p><p>One of the old women in Niima sometimes tells Rey stories from her home world while they scrub salvage together. She has warned the girl many times to beware tricksy supernatural creatures and deceitful wielders of magicks.</p><p>“Do you mean ‘sorcerer’?” he asks with a tiny crooked smile, and Rey decides she hates him, his fancy clothes, and his stupid, delicious-looking fruit.</p><p>“Answer me!”</p><p>“You don’t have to keep shouting,” he snaps. “No, I’m not a sorcerer. I think what’s happening is…something else.”</p><p>“I don’t care what’s happening. I just want you gone.”</p><p>“I can’t very well go if I’m standing inside my own house,” he shoots back. “Wait, where are you?”</p><p>He’s mocking her and she wants nothing more than to knock him out cold with this rod. Everything he says makes her more confused, which is obviously his goal. So she says nothing.</p><p>“Fine,” he harrumphs. “I’ll start. I’m in my bedroom, in my house, in Hanna City. My name’s Ben, by the way.”</p><p>“Where’s Hanna City?” Rey asks. “I’ve never heard of it.”</p><p>“You must have.” He’s incredulous. “It’s the capital.”</p><p>“Capital of what?”</p><p>He looks at her strangely. “Chandrila, of course.”</p><p>She is rapidly running out of patience. “What’s Chandrila?”</p><p>His mouth drops open again, forming a perfect ‘o’ of shock.</p><p>“What planet are you on?” he asks softly.</p><p>“Jakku,” she answers.</p><p>Ben turns suddenly and begins to walk to the opposite side of the compartment. Rey follows, not dropping her weapon but not holding it quite as menacingly.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>He seems to be pawing through something in front of him, even though there <em>is</em> nothing in front of him. Finally, he locates what he’s looking for. He turns back to her and sticks out a hand. In his palm is a small, oval-shaped device.</p><p>“What’s that?” She’s not scared of him, but she’s still wary.</p><p>“You can see it? Good.” He presses a button and a shimmering star chart projects into the air between them. “Can you see this, too?”</p><p>Rey nods her head in mute amazement.</p><p>Ben points to a small dot roughly in the middle of the projection. “This is Jakku, where you are. It’s in a region called the Western Reaches. In the Inner Rim. There was a really famous battle there years ago—”</p><p>“I know that,” Rey barks. She isn’t stupid and she won’t tolerate being treated as if she is.</p><p>“Okay, okay.” Ben points to another part of the map. “I live here, on Chandrila. In the Core. It’s the capital of the New Republic, where the Galactic Senate meets. Like I said, my mom’s a senator.”</p><p>Rey drops the heavy bar to the floor. Her wrist aches and her head is spinning. “How?” is all she can manage.</p><p>The boy seems more curious than fearful. “No idea. But if you can see this, let me try something else.” He dashes back to the other side of the walker and again produces the gorgeous fruit. He holds it out instructing, “Take the fruit from my hand, if you can.” His eyes are bright with excitement.</p><p>It’s possible this whole thing is some insane trap. But why would anyone go to so much trouble? He’s had any number of chances to try and catch her off-guard. She steps closer, never taking her eyes off him as she snatches the fruit straight from his palm.</p><p>He’s ecstatic. “You did it! I was holding it, so you could touch it. But whenever I let go, you can’t see it <em>or</em> touch it…” He seems to be talking to himself more than to her. Rey is barely listening. She lifts the soft sphere to her nose and breathes in its sweetness. Her stomach makes an audible growl.</p><p>“Like I said, you can keep that,” Ben mumbles, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’ve got a whole bowl of them here. Maybe we should try to repeat the experiment, just to be sure.”</p><p>She studies him over the fruit. It’s still embarrassing but she’s too practical to turn down free food. And she can tell he’s trying to be kind. It’s not something she’s experienced before.</p><p>“Thanks,” she whispers.</p><p>“What’s your name?” he asks.</p><p>Rey is focused on the soft flesh of the fruit. Her mouth is already watering. “My name? My name is—” </p><p>But when she looks up, he’s gone.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Months pass but Rey doesn’t see the boy again. She might even convince herself that she imagined the entire bizarre incident, if it weren’t for the very real jogan pit she keeps on a shelf near her hammock. The fruit tasted just as good as she hoped and its stone smells faintly sweet and earthy even now.</p><p>She’s sitting outside on top of the AT-AT, wearing a flight helmet she found last week in the Graveyard. She also found a torn uniform. As she watches the twin moons rise over the horizon, she’s considering what she can make from the fabric. There are practical uses she can put it to—fashioning a bigger knapsack, for one—but there should be plenty left over even after that project. Maybe she can spare just a bit for a doll to play with, so she won’t be lonely all the time.</p><p>And then he is just <em>there</em>, sitting on the ledge like she is, but further down the body of the walker. He’s hunched over, absorbed in some task she can’t make out. He doesn’t seem to realize she’s nearby.</p><p>“Ben,” she calls softly, pulling off the helmet. His head twists up immediately.</p><p>“You,” he says. “It’s you again.” He’s dressed differently, a lighter colored shirt though obviously still expensive. His hair is a little longer.</p><p>“What’s your name,” he demands abruptly. “You disappeared last time before you told me what it was.” He’s already up and moving closer.</p><p>“Rey,” she tells him. “I’m Rey.”</p><p>“Rey,” he repeats. “You remembered my name.”</p><p>She smirks. “It would be kind of hard to forget meeting you. Are you in the same place?”</p><p>He looks around. “On Chandrila, you mean? Yes, but I’m not in my room right now. I’m downstairs in the library.”</p><p>Rey doesn’t get many chances to meet off-worlders. Her deep desire not to appear ignorant wars briefly with her longing to learn things she doesn’t know. “What’s a library?”</p><p>“A room where you keep things you want to study. Texts and maps and holos and just anything you can learn from. It’s where I do my schoolwork.”</p><p>She nods in understanding. He’s clearly curious but sensitive enough not to ask a question that might humiliate her. “We don’t have those on Jakku. School, either.”</p><p>“You’re still on Jakku, then.”</p><p>Rey doesn’t answer, just looks off across the dunes. “Right now, I’m sitting outside watching the moons rise.”</p><p>“That sounds nice, actually.”</p><p>“I suppose.” She can’t resist adding, “If I didn’t have to worry about being eaten or robbed.”</p><p>“Rey,” he twists around quickly, as if he’s been hoping for the opening she just offered. “I was thinking, why don’t I ask my mom if she can do something for you?”</p><p>“Do something for me? Like what?”</p><p>“Like, get you off Jakku?”</p><p>She feels panic bubbling up inside her. She hadn’t thought she would ever see this boy again, let alone that he would pop back into her life and ruin everything. “No, uh-uh. No.” She practically shouts the words in his face.</p><p>Ben is clearly surprised, then offended. “Sorry. I just thought…”</p><p>“Well, don’t. Mind your own business,” she retorts, crossing her arms tightly over her chest.</p><p>“Fine, I will.”</p><p>Ben is fuming, she can tell. He must have thought she was going to fall all over him in gratitude. Arrogant sleemo.</p><p>He can’t even help himself. “I don’t understand. I did research and it sounds like Jakku is a terrible place. My mom is a really important member of the Senate. She has connections all over the galaxy. I’m sure she could help your family—”</p><p>Under no circumstances is she going to tell him anything else about her life. “I said, mind your own business! I’m not leaving Jakku!”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Talk about something else or I’m going,” she announces haughtily.</p><p>He huffs in annoyance. At first, he can’t think of anything else to say. Their first few topics haven’t gone well.</p><p>“I just had my birthday,” he offers. “I’m ten now. How old are you?”</p><p>Rey feels her cheeks get hot. It’s a simple question but the truth is…</p><p>“Do you not know how old you are?” he asks quietly. He looks so sorry for her that she wants to hide and punch him in the nose all at the same time.</p><p>“Switch off.” She tries to jump down off the walker but he grabs hold of her arm.</p><p>“Hey, I’m sorry. Don’t leave. Please.”</p><p>Rey pulls her arm out of his grip but stays sitting where she is. She fixes her gaze on the endless sea of sand so he won’t notice the moisture gathering in the corners of her eyes. She <em>hates</em> how easily she cries.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he says again. He sounds sincere. “I didn’t mean to make you mad. I just…I don’t know what to say that won’t make you mad.”</p><p>“Why did you try to learn about Jakku?” she demands.</p><p>He’s startled. “Why wouldn’t I? A weird girl just pops up in my room one day and starts throwing things at me, screaming her head off, telling me she’s standing in another part of the galaxy at that exact minute. I was pretty curious to know more. Weren’t you?”</p><p>The truth is that she was curious, that she has thought of him every day since. But even if she had the time to try and learn more, who could she possibly ask?</p><p>“Did you tell anyone?” he wonders.</p><p>She shakes her head. Who could she possibly tell?</p><p>“Did you?”</p><p>“No,” he admits.</p><p>“Not even your very important mom the senator?”</p><p>“No,” he repeats. “I didn’t tell anyone.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>He purses his lips. “Who would believe a story like that?”</p><p>Rey shrugs. She certainly wouldn’t, if the other scavengers sitting around the cleaning station swore it happened to them.</p><p>“And anyway,” he continues, pulling on a loose thread dangling from the cuff of his shirt, “there’s no one here to tell. My mom is always off doing government stuff and my dad…who knows where he is.”</p><p>“Did he leave you?” Rey blurts, not really considering her words.</p><p>Ben looks at her carefully. “Well, he’s away from home a lot. On business. He comes back eventually.”</p><p>“Oh.” She feels like she has given something away without realizing it, and her cheeks burn again.</p><p>Desperate to change the subject, she asks, “Who takes care of you?” Everything about Ben looks well cared for.</p><p>He snorts. “Mostly droids. Mom’s in and out some weeks, I guess.”</p><p>“Droids are interesting,” Rey observes.</p><p>“They’re okay,” he answers noncommittally.</p><p>She raises an eyebrow but doesn’t probe further. Somehow, she knows he doesn’t really want to keep talking about this. She can’t very well ask him to respect her privacy and not show him the same courtesy.</p><p>“Did you find anything in your library that would explain how we’re talking right now?”</p><p>Ben hesitates. Clearly he knows something but isn’t sure he wants to tell her.</p><p>“Out with it,” she orders.</p><p>He’s chewing his bottom lip. “Do you know anything about the Force?”</p><p>She shakes her head.</p><p>He tries again. “Have you ever heard of the Jedi?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course. Everyone has. But I thought they were a myth.”</p><p>Ben grimaces. “Not a myth. I was named after a Jedi knight who served with my grandfather in the Clones Wars. And have you ever heard of…Luke Skywalker?”</p><p>She nods vigorously.</p><p>“He’s, uh, he’s my uncle.”</p><p>Rey laughs. “Sure he is.”</p><p>“No, honest. I’m serious.”</p><p>“Okay, Ben. Your mom is a fancy senator and your uncle is Luke Skywalker, the most famous Jedi in the entire galaxy. Sure.”</p><p>He looks extremely irritated. “He’s the <em>only</em> Jedi in the galaxy, actually. At least for now.” His face darkens even further.</p><p>“Well, what does that have to do with anything? Or are you just trying to impress me?”</p><p>Ben tugs hard on the loose thread. It doesn’t break, just bunches and mangles the cuff. “To be a Jedi, you have to be sensitive to something called the Force. It’s an energy field that surrounds and binds all living things together.” Rey can tell he’s reciting something that has been said to him many times. “In my family, there are a lot of Force-sensitive people. Including me.”</p><p>She blinks at him, not really understanding what he’s telling her. “What does that mean? Is that why we can talk to each other? Because you have the Force thing?”</p><p>He shrugs. “I haven’t been able to find anything in the books about people talking to each other on different planets. There is a thing called a Force bond, but that needs two people who both have it.” He looks at her meaningfully. “But I think they need to meet each other before it can start, and that isn’t what happened to us.”</p><p>“What does it mean if you have it? What do you <em>do</em> with it?”</p><p>“Lots of stuff. You can move things with your mind or read people’s thoughts. You can fight with a lightsaber—”</p><p>As remote as Jakku is from the galaxy beyond, even here people have heard tales of the Jedi and their fantastical weapons. “Do you have a lightsaber?” she gulps.</p><p>“Of course not. I’m not a Jedi.” It seems like there is more he wants to say on the subject. Rey won’t pry but she is exceptionally good at waiting.</p><p>“They want me to be, though,” he admits quietly. “My parents. They want me to go live with my uncle and learn to be a Jedi.”</p><p>“When you grow up?”</p><p>“No, now.”</p><p>Rey is confused. “They want you to go live somewhere else? Not with them?”</p><p>He nods his head.</p><p>“For how long?”</p><p>“Basically, the rest of my life,” he says, and she can’t help but notice the way he bites the inside of his lower lip to stop it quivering.</p><p>“Don’t you want to do it? Don’t you want to be a Jedi?”</p><p>He’s quiet for a long time. His foot bangs rhythmically against the hull of the walker. She wonders what he’s actually kicking at home.</p><p>“Not really,” he finally confesses. “But they haven’t asked me what I want.”</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>He looks at her shyly. “Don’t laugh, okay? I want to be a pilot, like my dad.”</p><p>Rey is puzzled. “Why would I laugh at you for that? I’d love to be a pilot.”</p><p>“You would?”</p><p>“Yeah. I always thought when I grow up I could be one of those long-distance freight haulers, the ones that go all over the galaxy. You could see every system there is. I’d love that.” Since he is revealing secrets, she decides a bit of reciprocity is in order. “I’ve never been off Jakku. I bet you’ve been everywhere.”</p><p>“Nah. I mean, I’ve been to a couple of planets with my mom. And when I was little my dad used to take me on some of his runs. I don’t remember much. Mostly I’m just stuck in this house with the droids.”</p><p>“Would you get to travel around a lot if you went to Jedi school?”</p><p>Ben snickers. “Maybe when I was older. Probably not at first.”</p><p>“So why not do it?”</p><p>He looks unhappy. “’Cause I’d be leaving here, probably forever. And being a Jedi sounds pretty boring. You meditate a lot. My uncle Luke is <em>always</em> meditating when he comes to visit. And you can’t ever get married or have kids of your own or anything like that when you grow up. You have to take a vow that you can’t ever break.”</p><p>Rey ponders that. She doesn’t particularly like being told what to do, so she can understand Ben not wanting to be pressed into something he’s unsure about.</p><p>“Why don’t you tell your mom and dad you don’t want to do it?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Everyone’ll be disappointed in me. My mom thinks I need more ‘structure and discipline.’ She thinks I’ll do really well with Uncle Luke.” He glances at her then quickly looks away, his face pinched. “I…have a pretty bad temper. Sometimes I get mad about stuff and I just, you know, break things or whatever. Mom thinks meditating more would be good for me.”</p><p>Rey know all about being angry and having a temper. She doesn’t know anything about meditating or whether Ben’s mother is right that it would help. But she can tell how distressed he is about the path he is on.</p><p>“Up to you,” she says mildly. “If it were me, and I didn’t want to do it, I would tell someone. If you’re mad, and they try to make you do something you don’t really want to do, I bet you’ll just get more mad.”</p><p>“I never thought of it like that.”</p><p>While they’ve talked, the sun has fully set and the moons are climbing high in the night sky.</p><p>“It’s dark here now,” she tells him. “I should go inside. It’s safer.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah. Alright.”</p><p>“I don’t know if you can come with me or not, so maybe we should say goodbye now.”</p><p>This jolts him into action. “Follow me for one second.”</p><p>He waits for her to stand and makes sure she is close behind as he walks the length of the hull. Rey almost hopes he will step right over the edge, so she can see him standing in mid-air, but he stops just short of the rim. He reaches over and hands her back three large pieces of fruit. They are different than the jogan fruit he gave her last time.</p><p>“Those are muja fruit,” he explains. “I like them better than jogans. Maybe you will, too.”</p><p>She’s a bit overwhelmed at his spontaneous generosity. “Do you just have big bowls of food in every room of your house?”</p><p>It’s hard to tell in the moonlight but she thinks he might be blushing. “You never know when you might want fruit,” he says with an affected air of nonchalance. Then he stammers, “Don’t be mad, okay? Please? I just need to ask…can you read Aurebesh?”</p><p>Her hackles are up instantly. “Of course I can read.” She has taught herself while navigating heavily labeled star destroyers, thank you very much.</p><p>“Don’t be mad,” he pleads again. “I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t think of any other way to ask. I just thought you might—” He gives up trying to explain himself and instead grabs for something to his left. He produces a small, blue square and shoves it into Rey’s hands. It’s the first book she has ever seen.</p><p>“That’s a really good one. It’s myths and legends from Alderaan. Where my mom is from. She used to read them to me at night before bed. I just thought…I thought you might like them.”</p><p>Rey is stunned. No one has ever given her anything, let alone such a treasure as this. She doesn’t have the heart to tell him that she has no light in her small shelter, no way to read stories at night. It doesn’t even matter. She might just hold it while she falls asleep.</p><p>She looks up at him, afraid that if she tries to say anything she’ll burst into tears. He seems to understand. He gives her a shy smile.</p><p>And then he vanishes right before her eyes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just to be clear, the grandfather Ben refers to is Senator Bail Organa.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Standard year on Jakku is 352 days. And yes, I'm keeping track of the timelines on both planets so they are consistent.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The storm is really raging now. It’s been nearly three days and the wind is only getting stronger. Just a few minutes ago, Rey heard something rip right off the outer frame and clatter all the way along its length until it took flight over the desert. Someone else will no doubt find it eventually and try to trade it for portions at Niima Outpost.</p><p>She is curled up tightly in her hammock, Ben’s book tucked under her chin. It isn’t the most comfortable thing to hold tightly, with its corners and sharp paper edges, but it comforts her in a way she can’t explain. Whenever she thinks of that night it baths her in warm feelings, like cool star shine and deep sleep and a full belly all wrapped together.</p><p>It’s been so long since she saw him. She thought last time to add a little ‘x’ over that day’s wall scratch, so she can keep track of her exile on Jakku and the amount of time between sightings of Ben. She wishes she had thought to mark the first day they met. Now there are three hundred more scratches than were on the wall the night he gave her this book.</p><p>She did try to ration it out, to savor its contents and make it last as long as possible. But she was too greedy for the stories. She read them as fast as the daylight and her somewhat limited abilities would allow. Now she has reread them so many times she could recite most passages from memory.</p><p>A gust slams the side of the walker with such violence it shifts in the sand, making Rey’s hammock swing back and forth. She whimpers, clutching the book hard enough that she is sure there will be lines pressed into her skin. Closing her eyes against the dim yellow light, she imagines Ben with the book. Which story is his favorite? What does his mother sound like reading it to him?</p><p>The walker lifts a second time and a little shriek of terror escapes her. The vehicle is built solidly enough that it is unlikely to come apart completely, even in a storm as ferocious as this one. But Rey has nightmares about being buried in the sand, covered so deeply that she can never climb all the way back to the sky.</p><p>“Rey?” she hears, and raises her head enough to see Ben peering at her over the edge of the hammock. His hair is sticking up in odd directions; he was clearly asleep. “Are you alright?”</p><p>She can’t believe he is here. More likely she has fallen asleep and her dreams are giving her what she wants.</p><p>He flashes a goofy smile. “You look strange. It’s like you’re floating in mid-air in my room.”</p><p>“I’m in my hammock. There’s a storm.” Her voice sounds so small.</p><p>“A bad one?” he whispers sympathetically. She nods.</p><p>“Do you want to come and sit next to me?”</p><p>To get out of the hammock, she has to release her stranglehold on the book. Ben sees it and gives her a look she doesn’t understand.</p><p>They sit side-by-side on the floor. Rey leans against his arm as much as she dares. His sleep shirt is soft and she can feel his warmth through it. It’s comforting.</p><p>He nods toward the book. “Did you like that?”</p><p>She tells him she did. “What’s your favorite story?” she asks.</p><p>He thinks a minute. “I like the one about the Grimtaash. If I ever get a ship of my own, that’s what I’ll name it.”</p><p>She’s impressed. It’s a good name for a ship.</p><p>“What was your favorite?” he wonders.</p><p>“I liked them all. I can’t pick just one.” She offers the book up with a tight smile. “Thanks for letting me have it so long.”</p><p>He pushes the book back toward her. “Keep it. I should have picked out something else to give you. It’s been so long I wasn’t sure I’d ever…” He runs a hand through his unruly hair. “It’s really late here and my dad’s home, so I probably shouldn’t go downstairs right now. Sorry.”</p><p>She can’t believe he is willing to let her keep the book forever. “You shouldn’t give me anything else. I’ve got nothing to give you back.”</p><p>“I don’t care about that,” he says dismissively.</p><p>“I do. It isn’t right. You’ve given me four pieces of fruit and this book. I’m already in your debt.” The rules of exchange on Jakku are explicit and rigorously enforced.</p><p>“Forget it. I mean it, Rey. Don’t keep count of the fruit. You don’t owe me anything. It’s nice to have someone to talk to.”</p><p>“If your dad is home, you must be talking to him.”</p><p>He’s quiet for a beat. “You’d think.”</p><p>“Wait!” Rey exclaims. “If you and your dad are at home, that means you didn’t go to Jedi school.”</p><p>“Good memory. No, I didn’t go. Not yet, anyway. I did what you said, Rey. I told my dad I didn’t want to do it. He talked to my mom. She’s not happy about it. And she and my uncle keep trying to talk me into it. Back before the Clone Wars, the Jedi would take in really little kids to train. By my age, you’d be too old to even start. But now that Uncle Luke is the only one left, he can’t be so picky. He’s thinking of taking apprentices that are all different ages. I’m nearly eleven, but I guess I’ve got more time to decide.”</p><p>“Is that good?” she questions.</p><p>“I guess so. I kinda wish the whole thing was just done, you know?”</p><p>She can appreciate that. “Sorry I woke you up. Is someone gonna hear you talking to me?”</p><p>“No. The only other person in the house is Dad and his room isn’t anywhere near mine.”</p><p>Rey can’t conceive of such luxury. She tries not to think too often of what it might be like to have her own family back. But in those rare moments when she permits herself a brief daydream, she certainly never pictures living anyplace large enough that her parents can’t hear her when she calls.</p><p>“Your mom is away?”</p><p>“Yup. Senate’s in session this time of year. We won’t see her for weeks.”</p><p>“Can I ask you something weird? What does she look like?” Rey has no memory of her own mother. She’s hungry to hear one described by someone with first-hand knowledge.</p><p>He chuckles. “Um, she has really, really long brown hair and she wears it in these braids that wrap all around her head. They’re a big deal in Alderaanian culture. The braids mean different things. She tried to teach me some of them but I’m not that good at it.”</p><p>The walker shudders and Rey burrows deeper into Ben’s arm. He must notice her response, even if he can’t see her surroundings. But he just keeps talking, low and calm. “She’s pretty short. I’m already as tall as she is. I’m probably gonna be really tall, like my dad.” There’s a measure of pride in the statement.</p><p>“What kind of storm is it?” he asks into the top of her head. “I know Jakku is a desert planet. I’ve been reading more about it. No rain or snow there.”</p><p>“Sandstorm.” She shivers despite the closeness of the air in the compartment.</p><p>“What’s it like?”</p><p>“They come up fast and last a long time, days and days. They’re really loud. The sand comes in every crack and blows around and stings when it hits your skin. It’s dark even in the daytime and you can’t go outside ‘til it’s over.”</p><p>“Sounds awful,” he commiserates.</p><p>“What’s it like where you are?”</p><p>When he hesitates, she nudges his arm. “It’s springtime here. I did my lessons out in the orchard today.”</p><p>“What’s an orchard?”</p><p>“It’s a place full of trees that all grow the same kind of fruit. There’s one behind our house.”</p><p>Rey tries and fails to imagine such a bountiful landscape. “Tell me more about it.”</p><p>Ben yawns and scratches his nose. “Um, it’s pretty right now ‘cause all the trees are covered in blossoms. There’s a pond behind the orchard where I go swimming in the summertime.”</p><p>The idea that there are places in the galaxy where water just pools on the ground, and it is so inconsequential a fact that no one bothers to gather it, is more than Rey’s mind can take in. She’s still reeling when she recalls the other thing he said, and it gives her a sudden, superb inspiration. Perhaps she can discharge some of her debt of honor after all.</p><p>She drops the book into Ben’s lap and climbs over to some shelves she has cobbled together against the far wall. Finding what she wants, she grabs it and returns to the safety of his company.</p><p>“Here,” she says, eager and self-conscious all at once. “I do have something I can give you.”</p><p>Into his hand, she shoves a rather battered looking flower. It is not fresh picked. The leaves are a bit brittle around their edges. But the velvety blossom is as soft as the day Rey found it in the wastes of the Goazon Badlands.</p><p>“It’s a spinebarrel,” she clarifies, when he doesn’t speak right away. “They’re really rare but I know all the best places to look for them.” She doesn’t know why she feels the need to talk the flower up, as if her gift is less than worthy.</p><p>Ben touches the blossom carefully with a single fingertip. “Wow, thanks.” He means it.</p><p>“I guess you’ll have to hide it somewhere. Unless you told someone about me?”</p><p>He looks up, startled. “No, I haven’t told anyone. I don’t think anyone will notice it. Not like my parents are in my room a lot. Did you have to hide the book from your family? Or did you tell them about me?”</p><p>It feels as if the air is being squeezed out of her lungs. She doesn’t want him to know that she is here alone, mostly because she doesn’t want him to start trying to remove her from Jakku again. But she also can’t bear to be pitied. Rey has her pride.</p><p>“I didn’t tell anyone,” she answers carefully. “And no one has seen the book except me.”</p><p>Is that a flash of suspicion in his eyes? It’s difficult to say for certain in the gloom. Regardless, he doesn’t probe any further. But she feels…something. She can’t explain it. It’s like she knows he is bursting to say something. She can almost feel his skin itching.</p><p>“If…if there were ever anything—I mean, don’t get mad at me again, okay? But if you or your family ever, uh, needed anything…” Even in the low light she can see his cheeks are flushed. “Just, I mean, you can ask me anything. Anytime. I can…I don’t know. I might be able to help. With…whatever.”</p><p>Her stomach twists. She knows he doesn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but she’s hurt just the same. Her humble flower apparently wasn’t the triumph she was hoping. It reminded him that she has less than nothing to offer.</p><p>“Don’t look at me like that,” he mutters. “I just wish—”</p><p>“What?” she snaps. “What do you wish?”</p><p>He’s still staring at the book in his lap. “I wish I could pull you through to this side. Show you the orchard and the pond. You could read anything you wanted in the library or eat all the fruit in the house. It isn’t fair that I have all this and you…”</p><p>“I what?”</p><p>He can’t meet her eyes.</p><p>“I what, Ben?”</p><p>“You should have nice things, too.”</p><p>It isn’t precisely what she expected him to say. Some of her hostility dissipates. Ben isn’t intentionally wounding her, he simply doesn’t understand what the galaxy is like outside his golden, fairy tale life. “No one on Jakku has anything nice. I bet most planets don’t. You’re lucky.”</p><p>He picks at the corner of the book cover. “Yeah, lucky,” he repeats tonelessly.</p><p>There is something about the way he says it that fires a warning shot across her mind. A new topic is clearly in order.</p><p>“Why do you think it took so long this time? Last time we saw each other again a lot quicker.”</p><p>His shoulders relax just a touch. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about that when I didn’t see you after months and months. Maybe it’s just random. Or maybe we have to think about each other at exactly the same second or something.”</p><p>“I hope it doesn’t take so long next—” Rey is saying, when Ben disappears.</p><p>He takes the flower, and the book, with him.</p><p>~~~~~<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Six weeks later, Rey is sitting cross-legged in front of a disassembled utility panel in a cruiser wreck. It’s not yet midday but already boiling. The wraps she wears to keep the sand from her eyes and mouth are stifling but essential. The hot wind never stops scouring, even inside these hollowed out ruins.</p><p>She’s trying to remove a converter that Plutt wants, but the casing around it is damaged just enough that she can’t wrench it free. It’s already taking too much time. The converter itself is not going to earn her enough to cover today’s portions, but she doesn’t dare go back to Niima without it. Plutt will starve her for three days as punishment.</p><p>She nearly jumps out of her skin when Ben suddenly appears, stretched out on the sand right beside her. He’s lying on his back, holding a datapad over his head, scrolling through its contents.</p><p>He grins when he sees her. Then he examines her clothing and gear with interest. “Where are you? Are you salvaging something right now?”</p><p>The idiot sounds excited about it. Like it’s a big adventure, not the difference between living and dying. She nods wearily, already back to work. As much as she would like to chat with him, time is not on her side today.</p><p>Ben glances around as though he can actually see anything in her world. “Is someone nearby?” he mouths. “Is that why you aren’t talking?”</p><p>Rey yanks the cloth cover off her mouth irritably. “There’s no one here. I’m just doing something right now and I really have to finish.”</p><p>“Can I help?” he asks.</p><p>She quirks an eyebrow at him, though he can’t see it behind her coverings. “How could you possibly help?”</p><p>“I don’t know. What are you doing?”</p><p>She jerks a thumb toward her task. “I’m trying to get this stupid converter out of this stupid panel, but the metal casing is bent and it just won’t come free.” A thought strikes her. “Hey, could that Force thing you have tear this metal apart? Or do you have a lightsaber I can borrow for just a minute?” She’s mostly joking.</p><p>He frowns. “No, but I might be able to help you bend the casing straight or give an extra pair of hands to pull the converter loose.”</p><p>“But you can’t see it,” she says, confused.</p><p>“Maybe I could see it if you were holding onto it?” He scoots closer to where she is sitting.</p><p>Rey sighs but wraps her hands around the converter. Ben smiles. “I can see it, but I can’t see the casing. Try holding the converter with one hand and touching the casing with the other.”</p><p>She does as he asks. “Okay, I see both now. Were you pulling toward the left?”</p><p>“Of course I was. It won’t budge.”</p><p>“I’m not sure the bent casing is the problem. Maybe we just need a little more tension on the converter.”</p><p>He sidles up next to her, arranging his hands around hers. “On three?” he suggests.</p><p>On the count of three they pull together and the converter slips forward just a hair. A few more minutes of heaving and tugging, and the sought-after prize finally falls into Rey’s lap.</p><p>“Thanks,” she pants, stretching her legs. “And sorry about that.” There are grease stains and a small tear on the sleeves of Ben’s shirt. Rey guesses the fabric alone is worth more than what she scavenges in a standard month.</p><p>“Don’t worry about it. I was reading in a tree last week and I slipped off the branch and tore my shirt straight up the back.”</p><p>“Were your parents mad?”</p><p>Ben’s open expression clouds. “They aren’t around. Dad left again right after I saw you. Mom will be home for a couple of days next week. It’s the Senate’s term break.”</p><p>Rey motions to the datapad. “Are you in the orchard right now?”</p><p>“No, I’m at a park near our house.”</p><p>“Won’t someone see you?”</p><p>“Nobody’s around,” he says lightly. “I even gave my droid the slip. It’ll probably catch up with me soon though, so I better give you this now.”</p><p>He reaches back and produces a heavy satchel. He hands it to Rey, looking excited and rather pleased with himself.</p><p>“This is for me?” she asks, dumbfounded. He nods enthusiastically. “But you didn’t know you were going to see me today.”</p><p>His cheeks flush the tiniest bit. “I’ve been keeping it close. Just in case. Open it.”</p><p>Rey lifts the flap on the bag. Inside, she finds three thick books and an assortment of foods, some of which she doesn’t even recognize. Stuffed into the front pocket is the small blue volume of Alderaanian legends that Ben accidentally stole the last time they met.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to take it with me. You seemed to really like it so I thought you should have it back.” When Rey doesn’t—can’t—respond, he adds, “If there’s anything in particular you’re interested in, just tell me and I’ll look for books for you.”</p><p>She can’t remember ever feeling so astonished in her life, not even that first day she saw him. The fact that Ben has been lugging all of this around for her, for <em>weeks</em>, is incredible. He must have even changed out the food.</p><p>“I don’t know what to say,” she mumbles into her fabric layers.</p><p>Mortification seems to hit Ben all at once. His gesture is grander than he realized and having a bigger impact on Rey than he was expecting, or even hoping. “Don’t say anything,” he blurts out. “You don’t have to, really.”</p><p>They sit in awkward silence. Ben jiggles his leg nervously.</p><p>“Rey, are you far from where you live?” he cries, horrified. “I didn’t even think of that. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have made the bag so heavy—”</p><p>He has just given her enough food to survive for a week, and four books, the most magnificent gift anyone has ever received. And he’s apologizing that there is <em>so much</em> crammed into the bag. Truly, she has never known anyone so stupid.</p><p>“It’s fine,” she promises. “I have a little speeder I put together. It’s not much. I already have some ideas for a better one. But it gets me here and back every day. I carry stuff a lot heavier than this, believe me.”</p><p>Ben sags in relief. He was actually worried about giving her too much. <em>Idiot</em>, she thinks. But she smiles shyly at him until he isn’t there anymore.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>~~~~~</p><p><br/>
Seasons don’t exist on Jakku. It’s either hot or hotter. Only the line of marks on Rey’s wall let her know that another half-year has passed before she catches sight of Ben again.</p><p>She’s in Niima Outpost, having just turned in her haul to get meager rations from Plutt. It’s been a long day and she’s exhausted. At first, she thinks she might be imagining it when she spots Ben across the stalls of what passes for an open-air market.</p><p>Running between the filthy fabric dividers, she bursts into the area only to find it empty. It’s disappointing but she’s too hungry to linger long.</p><p>As she approaches her makeshift speeder, out of the corner of her eye she again spots a familiar head of dark, wavy hair. She has a clearer view from this vantage point and it’s definitely Ben. He’s just walking, head down and hands shoved deep inside his pockets. He’s wearing a heavy quilted jacket all out of keeping with the local climate.</p><p>She charges around a hanging rack of dirty water containers and jumps over a stack of baskets to land right in his path. Only then does he notice her and stagger back in surprise.</p><p>Rey jerks her head meaningfully toward a nearby tent. He’s confused but then realizes she wants him to follow. “Are you not alone?” he asks, when they reach it.</p><p>“No,” she hisses. “There are loads of people around. I thought we only saw each other when we were by ourselves.”</p><p>“I guess not,” he shrugs. It’s very unhelpful.</p><p>“Where are you?”</p><p>“Walking in the woods behind my house,” he replies.</p><p>“What’s wrong? You look upset.”</p><p>He scuffs the ground with the toe of his shoe. “Doesn’t matter.”</p><p>“It matters to me.”</p><p>Ben gives her a surprisingly sharp look. “Why do you always want to talk about me, never about you? Do you know how bad it makes me feel? Like I’m rubbing my life in your face all the time. Don’t you think I want to hear about your life sometimes?”</p><p>She’s more surprised than angry. Why would anyone want to talk at length about her miserable existence on Jakku? And what’s to be gained from moaning about it?</p><p>A group of traders start bargaining right outside the tent flap. Rey steps closer to Ben so she can speak more quietly. She realizes he’s taller than she remembers. She has to look up to meet his eyes.</p><p>“I’m not the one who’s mad right now. If you need someone to talk to, this may be your only chance.”</p><p>He scowls at her. Then he declares, “It’s just the same stupid thing. My mom and my uncle really want me to go join his temple. My dad isn’t here to stand up for me. It’s just hard to keep saying no. And honestly, I’m not even sure I <em>should</em> be saying no.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“What am I staying for? Neither of them are ever here. At least there, I’d get to stab something with a lightsaber.”</p><p>Rey laughs and after a moment, Ben joins in. It breaks his sour mood.</p><p>“Sorry I don’t have anything with me today,” he says sheepishly.</p><p>She shakes her head. “You don’t have to give me things whenever you see me. But actually, this time I have something for you.” She reaches into her knapsack and rummages around in its bottom. After a moment, she finds what she’s looking for.</p><p>Glancing around to make sure no one is watching, she reaches for Ben’s wrist and places the tiny object in his palm, closing his fingers around it. He opens his hand to find a beautifully faceted crystal, deep crimson in color.</p><p>“Where in the galaxy did you get this?”</p><p>“Don’t get too excited about it. It’s just a focusing crystal from a small field projector.” She doesn’t tell him how many hours she spent looking, or how dangerous the climb was to secure the one he is currently holding.</p><p>Even in the muted light of the tent, it sparkles with a fiery brilliance. Ben is mesmerized.</p><p>“Now you have something from Jakku,” she says, more proudly than she might have expected.</p><p>“Two somethings,” he corrects. “I still have the flower you gave me. It’s red, too.”</p><p>He flashes a crooked smile. “My dad has these dice he keeps with him all the time. He says they’re his good luck charms. This can be mine.”</p><p>An argument breaks out between the traders and they start shouting abuse at each other in various languages. It’s no longer a good spot for a private discussion.</p><p>“Hey, have you ever seen a happabore? There’s one over at the trough right now. I could show it to you. They’re really sweet and gentle.”</p><p>Rey steps past Ben and lifts the tattered flap so they can leave the tent. But when she turns back, there’s no one behind her.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have no chill about posting stories, you guys. </p><p>Zero. Chill.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Rey wakes up in the middle of the night, everything around her is floating.</p><p>She’s paralyzed with fear, wondering if she is awake or dreaming the fantastical scene. Then she hears Ben moan.</p><p>He’s lying on the ground next to her hammock, clearly asleep. Both moons are full tonight and light is streaming in through every fissure and puncture in the metal walls. Rey can see his hair, soaked with sweat and sticking to his forehead.</p><p>She eases out of the hammock as quietly as she can. He’s thrashing a bit, rolling back and forth across the hard metal rivets. And there remains the small problem that everything in the compartment is <em>floating</em>.</p><p>Kneeling down next to him, she can’t decide what to do. She has to wake him up but it seems pretty obvious that everything will come crashing down around their heads as soon as she does. She wonders if everything is floating in his room, too. He might have something heavy right above his head; she has no way to know or protect him from it.</p><p>The only way she can think to shield him from danger on his own side is to be in contact with him, so she leans across his body and comes as close as she can before gently shaking his arm. He spasms at the touch, sending her toppling forward. Their foreheads meet just as Rey braces herself by grabbing each of his arms, bare in a short-sleeved night shirt.</p><p>For a heartbeat, she could swear they switch places. She feels the world upend into his perspective. There is a rush of noise and images, confusing sensations. She’s afraid. No, he’s afraid. Her mind is dense, sluggish. Something is pressing down on her heart, her spirit. Whispers drift in every direction, twining like smoke inside her thoughts. There is something else here, not just the two of them, but something else. She tastes its dislike. Whether it hates Ben or her more, she can’t say.</p><p>The massive commotion of metal hitting metal breaks the spell as Ben startles awake. A heavy pipe fitting comes down squarely on Rey’s back. She yelps right into his face. He shoves her away hard, not understanding what is happening. Her shoulder jams into the edge of the support strut and she lies there, dazed.</p><p>“Rey!” He’s immediately above her, looking horrified. “I’m sorry. Are you alright?”</p><p>It takes a minute to catch her breath. Her back throbs.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” he repeats. “Are you hurt? What can I do?” He’s frantic.</p><p>“Help me up,” she orders, and he grasps her forearms and eases her up from lying on the floor. She moves gingerly, twisting slowly from side-to-side to assess the damage. “I’ve been hurt worse,” she concludes.</p><p>Ben is running his fingers convulsively through his hair, pulling hard on the damp clumps. He’s shaking. He keeps apologizing, over and over, until Rey isn’t certain he knows he’s doing it.</p><p>“I don’t suppose you have any water in your room?” she asks quietly.</p><p>His face is an agony of indecision. “I don’t but I could get some from the ‘fresher. You promise not to disappear?” He gets up and runs straight through the wall of the walker and out of her sight. It’s so surreal she wonders if the pipe fitting hit her head, as well.</p><p>He’s back in just a few seconds, holding two large glasses. He presses one into her hands nearly shouting, “There were two so I grabbed both. You can keep them. Or you can drink both and I’ll refill them. Whatever you want.”</p><p>The water is the coldest and cleanest she can ever recall tasting. It clears her head a bit and sooths her throat. Her back and shoulder remain stubbornly painful.</p><p>“What else? What can I do, Rey? We must have some kind of medicine but I don’t know where it is and I’m afraid you’ll disappear while I’m looking for it—”</p><p>“Ben,” she interrupts, “I’m okay. Just calm down, would you?”</p><p>He slumps on the floor next to her, burying his face in his hands.</p><p>“What happened?” he rasps.</p><p>“I was hoping you could tell me. I woke up a few minutes ago and everything in here…”</p><p>“…was floating,” he finishes miserably.</p><p>“Not the first time?”</p><p>He shakes his head across his palms. Then he straightens up, leaning back against nothing she can see. “What happened next?”</p><p>She swallows more of the water. “I got out of my hammock to wake you. It occurred to me that stuff was probably floating on your side, too, so I sort of leaned over you to keep you from getting conked on the head.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have done that. You should have just let it hit me.”</p><p>“What kind of friend would do that?” She’s insulted at the suggestion.</p><p>He stares at her. “Are you? My friend?”</p><p>Rey isn’t sure what to say so she scoffs as if it’s a ridiculous question. But Ben is having a bad night and it shows in his stricken expression, so she decides to extend herself a step further. “I certainly hope we’re friends. You’re the only one I’ve got.”</p><p>Somehow he manages to look happy and sad all at once. “You’re the only one I’ve got, too.”</p><p>She hands him back her empty glass. He takes it silently.</p><p>“Rey, I am so—”</p><p>“Stop apologizing,” she insists. “You didn’t mean to do it.”</p><p>“That’s the problem!” he explodes. “I didn’t mean to do it but I still did. And it keeps happening. Luke said someone was gonna get hurt and he was right!”</p><p>“They’re still pressuring you?”</p><p>He groans. “It never ends. Either Mom or Uncle Luke...even Dad changed his mind.”</p><p>“Just because a few things float when you fall asleep?”</p><p>He looks away, uncomfortable. “That’s only part of it. Other stuff is going on, too.”</p><p>“What kind of stuff?” When he doesn’t answer, she reaches out gently with her foot and pushes his knee. “Ben, what kind of stuff? Tell me. I won’t laugh or yell or anything.”</p><p>“No, but maybe you won’t want to talk to me anymore. You won’t want me around.”</p><p>“It doesn’t seem like we have a lot of choice about that. And it’s been months since I saw you last. Not like you’re here every day.” She’s trying to lighten his mood but it’s not working. “Just tell me. You might feel better if you get it out.”</p><p>He props his arms on his knees and stares at his hands, balled into fists. “My temper is really bad lately. And when I get mad, things…break. Sometimes because I mean to do it and sometimes not. My dad,” Ben’s voice quavers, “he looks at me lately like, I don’t know, like he’s scared of me or something. I’ve never hurt anybody on purpose, Rey, I swear. I wouldn’t ever do that.”</p><p>“I believe you,” she reassures him, and it’s true. The Ben she knows is generous and kind. He avoids fighting. He wants to help.</p><p>“So they’re trying to make you go to that Jedi school because you have a temper? Huh, maybe I should be a Jedi. I have a terrible temper.”</p><p>“Uncle Luke says I need to learn control. He says Jedi training will help me focus my powers. He says meditating will help me not be so angry all the time.” Ben’s tone is flat and demoralized, and it enrages her.</p><p>“Maybe instead of just shipping you off, your mom and dad should be there with you more. Maybe if you weren’t alone all the time, you wouldn’t <em>be</em> so angry. What does ‘Uncle Luke’ say about that?”</p><p>Ben gives a shaky little laugh. He isn’t used to having a champion.</p><p>The injustice of the situation rankles her. “I wish I could meet your uncle. I have some things I’d like to tell him.”</p><p>“You’d do it, too. You’re fearless,” he says admiringly.</p><p>“I don’t know about that,” she demurs.</p><p>“Well, I do.” He passes her the second glass of water. Her shoulder gives a sharp twinge of protest as she reaches for it.</p><p>She doesn’t want to be just one more person asking him relentlessly whether he is going to go be a Jedi, so she decides to change the subject.</p><p>“Not a very useful magic power, that.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“What’s the good of being able to make everything float while you’re asleep?”</p><p>He smirks. “It isn’t supposed to happen while I’m asleep, Rey. But I am supposed to be able to do it whenever I want when I’m awake. Luke says it’s all just…coming me out of me while I’m sleeping because I’m powerful but I won’t do the training to use it the right way. Or something.”</p><p>“Have you ever tried?”</p><p>“Tried what?”</p><p>“Making something float while you’re awake, of course.” She arches her back a bit to take some of the stiffness out of it and Ben winces in guilt.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>She’s bewildered. “You know you can make things float with your mind and you’ve never even tried? Why not?”</p><p>There’s a stubborn set to his jaw. “Because they want me to. Every single time Uncle Luke comes to visit, he asks me to show him what I can do, like it’s some stupid party trick. I feel like I’m in a zoo.”</p><p>It must be obvious from her blank response that she doesn’t recognize the word. “Sorry, a zoo is a place where you pay credits to visit and see creatures and plant life from all over the galaxy. There’s one here in Hanna City. My mom took me there sometimes when I was little. We haven’t gone in a long time.”</p><p>Rey tries to conceive of a world where people have so many credits they waste them paying for a glimpse of a nightwatcher worm or a steelpecker. She decides the creatures of other planets must be much more interesting and attractive than the ones on Jakku. Not surprising, really.</p><p>There’s a small silver washer on the floor near her heel. It gives Rey an idea. “Do you want to try here, where they won’t know?”</p><p>Ben looks uneasy.</p><p>“You don’t have to worry about disappointing me,” she says breezily. “I saw you make everything in the place fly around. I’m already impressed.”</p><p>She picks up the metal disk and flips it across with her thumb. When Ben continues to hesitate, she slides over to sit next to him. She presses her shoulder and knee briefly against his, to give him courage. “Go on then.”</p><p>He situates the disk in the center of his hand, concentrating on it furiously. The washer wobbles a little, but is otherwise unexceptional. Ben snorts in frustration.</p><p>“Why don’t you close your eyes?”</p><p>He does as she suggests, face pinched. She can see his other hand in a small patch of moonlight. It’s so tightly fisted that his knuckles stand out, stark white.</p><p>Without really thinking about why she is doing it, Rey rests a hand on his arm. He relaxes a fraction. “Can you talk me through it? I mean, how do you go about making a thing float?”</p><p>Ben exhales loudly. “I don’t really know. I think you’re supposed to just focus all your attention on the object and try to feel the Force all around you. Then you picture the Force helping you lift it into the air and it…does.”</p><p>Rey asks very quietly, “What does the Force feel like?”</p><p>He gives an impatient shake of the head. “It’s hard to describe. It’s a hum or a buzz or a…a music? That’s not the right word exactly. You kind of hear it and feel it all at once. Sometimes, when it’s strongest, your skin sort of prickles. It’s like when you’re alone at night and you hear all the noises and vibrations in the house, and you know they’re there during the day but you just don’t pay attention to them? Does that make any sense?”</p><p>Rey murmurs assent and he keeps on, “It’s easiest to feel when I’m outside. Like in the orchard or by the pond. Once, I was sitting out there for a long time, just really paying attention to everything around me. I kinda zoned out and then I saw that there were these weird ripples in the water. And I realized it was me. I was causing it.” There is awe in his voice.</p><p>“Ben,” Rey says faintly. “Look.”</p><p>The washer is hovering right in front of his opening eyes, spinning as steadily as a planet’s rotation. He laughs in amazement. Then he turns to Rey. “Hold out your hand.”</p><p>She does and the disk orbits slowly over, still spinning, until it drops neatly onto her palm.</p><p>“You did it! That was extraordinary.”</p><p>“Only ‘cause you helped me,” he offers softly.</p><p>“Don’t be an idiot. I didn’t do anything. That was all you.”</p><p>“I’m not so sure.” He swallows hard and she can tell he is working up the nerve to say something. “Rey, have you ever wondered if you—”</p><p>One moment he is next to her. The next, he is gone.</p><p>The washer is cool and still against her skin.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“KRIIIIIFF!”</p><p>It isn’t quite as satisfying as Rey hoped it would be, but screaming a curse word into the empty landscape around her does bring a minute level of satisfaction.</p><p>The blasted, bloody, stupid afterburner on her speeder has separated from the amplifier intakes. Again. She’s already repaired this exact problem twice over the past few months. It takes time and resources she doesn’t have. And every day the speeder is down is a day she isn’t salvaging, isn’t eating.</p><p>Of course, this had to happen on the trip into Niima Outpost, loaded down with a heavy bag of finds. She’s tired and hungry and even if she felt like walking all the way there—which she most certainly does not after thirteen straight hours of climbing—she’d never make it in time. Plutt closes up shop promptly at sunset. He takes cruel pleasure in leaving starving people empty-handed.</p><p>Her water pouch is empty. It’s late afternoon but still hellishly hot. Worst of all, her stomach is cramping fiercely. She knows what it means. The old woman at the washing station explained it to her that first day, when she shook all over because she feared she was dying.</p><p>“You’re not dying, little nightblossom. But you’re a woman now and you need to guard yourself or you’ll wish you were dead.”</p><p>The old one explained about the blood and what she must do when it came. At first, Rey was enraged. What more could the universe possibly throw at her? But now, a few months on, she’s just numb to it. As she is to most everything else these days.</p><p>A desperate hopelessness grips her. Nothing ever changes on Jakku, except for the worse. The days drag, one after another, and she scrapes and bows and nothing ever gets better. Some masochistic madness possessed her last week and she began counting the hash marks on her wall. It gave her something to do, if nothing else. When she hit the first ‘x’ that stood in for Ben, she began to cry. By the time she reached two thousand she gave up, even though she wasn’t close to done.</p><p>It’s been nearly a year since she woke to find the world floating, since Ben reminded her that magic really does exist in the universe. She longs to know what it is that brings them together, so she can pull him back whenever she needs a friend. Each time they part, she wonders if it will be the last chance they ever have to say goodbye.</p><p>Her parents will come back for her. They will. She has to believe that or she couldn’t even find the strength to leave the hammock in the darkness of early morning. But the waiting is so hard to bear. Sometimes she thinks she should tell Ben where she is, assuming she ever gets another chance. Maybe he and his father could fly to Jakku and rescue her.</p><p><em>Traitor</em>, she rebukes herself. <em>Your family is coming back and you must be here waiting or they will never know how to find you.</em></p><p>Rey drops heavily into the sand, in the small rectangle of shade cast by the speeder. The fabric of her face wraps is scratchy and uncomfortable so she pulls it off. Her hair is soaked in sweat and plastered to her forehead and neck. She can’t think of one single reason to stand back up.</p><p>Like a mirage on the horizon, Ben blinks into existence directly in front of her. He’s sitting cross-legged and very still, with his eyes closed. Is this the meditating he’s always complaining about?</p><p>She thinks of throwing something at him to get his attention but then a wild notion seizes her. Maybe it’s because she’s too tired to actually speak. Instead, she just thinks his name. Shouts it inside her brain, really.</p><p>His eyes fly open. He beams at her, until he actually registers the state she’s in.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” he demands. “Are you hurt?” Without even asking, he fumbles around behind his back and hands her a large cylinder of blessedly cold, clear water. She drinks it so greedily she’s ashamed of herself.</p><p>He scrambles closer. “Talk to me, Rey.” She’s startled by how much deeper his voice is. And he looks different, too. His face is…longer? Wider, maybe? His hair is cut very short, which makes his ears seem larger by comparison. All in all, he just feels older. They are both growing up, after all.</p><p>She hands him back the empty canister. He tosses it aside without a glance. “Do you need more?” he asks, but she shakes her head. She’s lucky she isn’t sick from guzzling that amount so quickly.</p><p>“Where are you? Is something wrong?”</p><p>“I’m alright. Just taking a rest in the shade of my speeder. It’s bloody hot today.” She doesn’t need to share all her problems. It isn’t fair to him.</p><p>“Was that meditating?” she inquires. He blushes.</p><p>“Something like that.”</p><p>“Where are you, then? Are you at Jedi school?”</p><p>“No, I’m still home. I’m back by the pond. I was practicing.”</p><p>“Practicing what?”</p><p>“You know. Lifting stones and things. I’m getting much better.”</p><p>Rey reaches up above her, to the bag strapped to the side of the speeder. She pulls free the quarterstaff she always takes when she is scavenging, to defend herself against thieves and worse.</p><p>She offers it to Ben. “What’s this?” he asks.</p><p>“My staff.” She points a dirty finger to a spot where she has twined wire around and around, forming a band of metal. Ben looks confused until she rotates the pole in his hand, revealing the other side. The washer he gave her is flat against the staff, held tight by the wire. It makes the weapon a little weightier, a little sturdier in a fight. But it’s also pretty, a tiny bit of decoration. She was terribly proud of her work when she finished attaching it.</p><p>“Is this—”</p><p>“—my good luck charm,” she teases. She wipes sweat out of her eyes with shaking fingers.</p><p>“Rey, are you okay? You’re flushed but also somehow pale. You look like you’re about to pass out.”</p><p>She wants to tell him. She really does, but her pride will not allow her to say the words out loud. <em>I’m hungry</em>, she thinks. <em>I’m so hungry</em>.</p><p>He hears her. She knows it, sees his eyes blow wide. He grabs her hand, helps her to her feet and says, “Come with me. It’s not far, I promise.”</p><p>His hand is much bigger than hers and very warm. It feels good to let someone else expend the energy of deciding on a course and seeing it through. She’s content, for once, to drift in the protection of his wake.</p><p>They walk for a few minutes through the empty sand. “Tell me what you see. Tell me about your home,” she whispers, but he hears her.</p><p>“We’re almost through the orchard. I can see the house. We’re almost there. Just a bit farther.” He’s keeping his voice pitched low. She suspects other people may be around.</p><p>“What time of year is it on Chandrila?”</p><p>“Spring. All the trees are covered in flowers. The air smells…heavy.” He gives her hand a gentle tug, bringing her next to him so his arm isn’t extended back at a noticeable angle.</p><p>“Isn’t your birthday in spring?” Her head is so light that for a split second, she fancies she can see the trees and the green grass and Ben’s impossibly beautiful home. She must be hallucinating from hunger.</p><p>His step falters. “How in the galaxy do you know that?”</p><p>“You told me. It was the first—I mean the second—time we met. The first one I marked. You said you just had a birthday. It was the same time of year on Jakku that it is now.”</p><p>Ben suddenly stops walking. He says, very low, “Hold onto my arm, okay? I just want to make sure you’re gonna stay.” He reaches out for something and the next moment, he’s holding a large tray. While Rey watches, knees shaking, he piles more and more food onto it. Fruit, and things she thinks might be nuts, and colorful stacked squares she’s never seen and can’t begin to describe. When it’s absurdly full, Ben arranges several glasses of water along its edges. He stares at something for a beat, as if trying to make a decision about it, before finally shaking his head and grabbing it. It’s a very large, very colorful triangular-shaped food that smells so sweet Rey’s mouth waters.</p><p>“Come on,” he orders. “Keep holding my arm, alright?”</p><p>He carries the heavy tray carefully, stepping over obstacles Rey can’t see. Every few seconds he glances around, as if expecting to be stopped or questioned.</p><p>“Can you see your speeder?” he asks. Rey nods. “I think we’re out of sight of the house now, if you want to take something.”</p><p>She grabs a succulent looking jogan fruit off the tray and begins devouring it.</p><p>“Easy,” he cautions. “Don’t eat too fast. I know it’s hard to go slow but you’ll get really sick otherwise.”</p><p>She gives him an irritated look. Is he actually lecturing her about how to manage starvation?</p><p>When they reach the speeder, Ben instructs her to sit down in the shade. Then he slowly passes her the entire tray, so that everything is on her side of their connection. They spend the next few moments in silence as Rey eats her fill.</p><p>Just the water and the fruit have already made her feel immeasurably better. “Do you always have feasts sitting out in your back garden? Is that normal?”</p><p>Ben shakes his head. He’s gotten Rey to pass him all the glasses of water and is pouring each one into the discarded canister they left here earlier. She knows he’s going to give it to her to keep. She’s amassing quite the collection of Chandrilan drinking vessels.</p><p>“No, there was a…a party here earlier today.”</p><p>“A party?”</p><p>“Lots of my mother’s colleagues from the Senate came over to the house to eat and drink together.”</p><p>“That sounds nice.”</p><p>“Pretty dull, actually.” As she anticipated, he offers her the full cylinder of water without comment. “Feeling better?”</p><p>“Much better. Thank you,” she says quietly.</p><p>He waves her gratitude away. “If you want, we can go back and load the tray again. See the green paper napkins? You can wrap whatever’s left and carry it home with you.”</p><p>She’s already worked out that part of his plan and she’s touched by how fully he thought the whole operation through on such short notice.</p><p>“What’s this?” she asks, lifting the lovely, colorful triangle. Its surface is soft to the touch. She recalls Ben’s hesitation in adding it to the tray.</p><p>He rubs the back of his neck. “That’s, uh, that’s cake. Birthday cake, actually.”</p><p>“I knew it!” she crows triumphantly. “I knew your birthday was in the spring here. Why are you being so odd about the cake?”</p><p>“Odd?” He stretches his legs out on the ground, arms behind bracing him up. His legs are noticeably longer. Rey wonders if he is finally taller than his mother. “I don’t know. It just seemed…insensitive, I guess?”</p><p>“How do you mean?”</p><p>“I feel like such a sleemo every time I talk to you about my life. It’s so wrong for me to be here at parties and eating cake when you’re…not here with me.”</p><p>“Don’t do that, Ben. My life is my life. You have nothing to feel bad about. I’m glad it’s your birthday, with a pretty cake and a party.”</p><p>“The party wasn’t for me,” he clarifies. “It was an official Senate function. My mom hosts it here every year. Every year they stick a birthday cake on the desert table. And every year, they make me stand in the receiving line and then I leave and no one notices. It really doesn’t matter.”</p><p>Rey isn’t sure how best to eat the splendid cake but she doesn’t like to ask so she puts it back on the tray. She’s full anyway, and it would be the height of foolishness to eat food now that she could save for her next hungry day. She leans against the speeder, happier and more content than she’s been for ages.</p><p>Ben lets out a yelp. “I can see your speeder. Sort of, anyway. It’s kind of blurry around the edges, if that makes sense. Did you build that from scratch?”</p><p>They talk for a bit about the construction of the speeder. He’s impressed by her ingenuity in cobbling together components from various salvaged vehicles and mechanical systems. Then he asks to see her staff again.</p><p>“What do you use this for?” he wants to know.</p><p>She quirks an eyebrow. “It helps me keep the hems of my gowns from getting too sandy. You know what I use it for.”</p><p>His face darkens. “Is it very dangerous there?”</p><p>“I can take care of myself. You don’t need to worry about me.”</p><p>“I worry all the time. Rey,” he says abruptly, “I need to talk to you about something. It’s important.” But then he stares at her, without speaking, for a long stretch. “I imagined having this conversation so many times and now you’re here and I don’t know what to say.”</p><p>He’s making her nervous so she fiddles with the water canister to occupy her hands.</p><p>“I know you said to mind my own business, but I just have to offer again—”</p><p>“Beeeen,” she warns. “Don’t.”</p><p>“Okay, fine. If you refuse to tell me anything important about your life, and you refuse to tell me why you have to stay on Jakku, then I guess I have no choice.”</p><p>“No choice about what?” she demands.</p><p>“I’m going to live at my Uncle Luke’s temple and learn the ways of the Force.”</p><p>She can’t see the connection between the two statements. “Oh. That’s…that’s good. What made you change your mind?”</p><p>“You did,” he says firmly. “That night, when you helped me, I realized something.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I think you are Force-sensitive, too, Rey. It just...fits. It explains this bond between us. It explains why I feel like I can hear you talking inside my head. And that night, it wasn’t just me levitating that washer. It was us. Together.”</p><p>Rey laughs. “Very funny.”</p><p>“I’m not joking. I think you and I are both Force wielders. Uncle Luke keeps telling me to be careful, hinting at how powerful he thinks I’ll be. I can’t explain it, Rey, but I believe you and I are connected because you are just as strong in the Force as I am. I tried to tell you that night but I got pulled away before I could.”</p><p>What he’s saying doesn’t make any sense. Ben is an idiot, as usual.</p><p>“You don’t believe me? Think about how amazing it is that any kid could survive alone on Jakku as long as you have. Think about how good you are at salvaging and how great you are at building things. You told me you’ve had bad accidents in the past but you’ve always survived and recovered.”</p><p>“None of that has anything to do with having magical powers, Ben!”</p><p>“I keep trying to tell you, the Force isn’t magic. It’s an energy field and some people are just better able to tap into it than others. How else do you explain the fact that you and I are even having this talk? That you have a belly full of Chandrilan food inside you right now. That jogan fruit was on a table in my backyard this afternoon. Now it’s sitting on Jakku. How is that possible, Rey?”</p><p>He shifts closer. “Are you telling me that you’ve never had any kind of inexplicable experience? Other than this?” He waves a finger back and forth between them.</p><p>Suddenly, Rey is afraid. She can’t really articulate why. It’s all just too much.</p><p>“I never had one single thing happen to me that I couldn’t explain until I met you, Ben,” she says hotly. “And I’m certain every bizarre thing that’s happened since is your bloody fault.”</p><p>“What kind of bizarre things?” he probes eagerly. “Please, Rey, just tell me.”</p><p>“I will tell you one. Just one and that’s it. But first, give me back my staff. I don’t need you disappearing and taking it home with you.”</p><p>She settles the returned weapon across her lap. It makes her feel steadier, more like herself. “That night, when I woke up and everything was floating, there was something I didn’t tell you. You were having a nightmare. And when I tried to wake you—when I touched you—it was like I was inside the nightmare with you. It felt like something else was there, too. Something that hated us.”</p><p>Rey shivers despite the heat. Ben’s face has drained of color. His expression prompts her to add, “You don’t seem surprised. Do you have a lot of nightmares?”</p><p>He looks away. “I used to have them all the time, nearly every night.” Then his face softens. “But guess when I started having them less? When I met you. More evidence that I’m right.”</p><p>She’s really irritated with him now. “What does any of this have to do with you changing your mind about becoming a Jedi?”</p><p>Ben launches up onto his feet and starts to pace. “I didn’t say I was going to become a Jedi. I said I was going to go and study the ways of the Force. Big difference. Everything I learn there, I can teach you, don’t you see? Maybe we can figure out how to talk to each other more often—whenever we want, for all I know. And when I get a lightsaber, I can share all my training with you.”</p><p>Rey sniffs at that suggestion. Her quarterstaff is protection enough. Being able to meet Ben more than once a year does have a certain appeal.</p><p>He’s still talking, getting more animated as he goes. “If we could see each other and practice, we could maybe communicate telepathically. Even between Jakku and—” He hesitates, then rushes on. “It’s a secret, I’m not supposed to tell anyone where it is, but I know I can trust you. It’s on a planet called Lothal, in the Outer Rim. It’s a vergence point, which just means it’s really strong in the Force.”</p><p>“Rey,” he drops to his knees in front of her, beseeching, “if we told my uncle about you, about this connection between us, I know he would want you to come be one of the students at the school. We could see each other every day. You’d never go hungry or be in danger again. Just think of it.”</p><p>It has never really registered with Rey, in all the years they’ve discussed Luke’s temple, that Ben will not be its only student. Her stomach twists so strongly that she’s afraid she will vomit up all the lovely party food. Of course, there will be other students. How stupid she was not to consider it. Ben will have other people to tell his troubles to. Other people to help and be kind to and take care of. He will not need a poor, uneducated scrounger from Jakku to be his only friend anymore.</p><p>It’s a wonderful dream he is spinning but Rey knows the universe doesn’t work like that. Happiness and comfort are not so easily won.</p><p>“I can’t leave Jakku,” she says listlessly. “Don’t tell him about me, Ben. It will only cause us both a lot of trouble.”</p><p>“But why? Why can’t you leave Jakku? Just tell me the reason and maybe we can figure out how—”</p><p>“Ben!” she snaps, because it hurts too much to let him go on. “If you want to be a Jedi, go be a Jedi. But don’t go halfway across the galaxy on my account. Don’t go live with your uncle and be miserably unhappy because you think <em>maybe I might</em> have the Force, and <em>maybe we might</em> see each other a few more times a year. Don’t put that on me. You have to live your life and I—” she will not cry, she refuses, “—I have to live mine. There isn’t any <em>we</em> or <em>us</em>, Ben.”</p><p>He could not look more devastated. He recoils from her, there’s no other way to describe it. Rey feels an eruption inside herself, pain and disbelief and the shock of betrayal. And in that instant, as she is pushing him so brutally away, she understands for the first time that he is right. The emotions she is drowning in are not only hers. She knows his heart from the inside.</p><p>She aches with regret at the raw anguish on his face.</p><p>“I’m sorry—” she tries to say, but he doesn’t hear, because he’s already gone.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><a href="https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Lothal">Lothal</a> is one of the primary settings for the show, "Star Wars Rebels."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Fourteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just to be clear, the previous chapter occurred right around Ben's thirteenth birthday. This chapter (while technically in his fourteenth year) is just before his fifteen. So they have spent two years apart, as will be explained...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>It’s a curious creature, round-faced and small-eyed. Its head is much too large for its body and the hairless, scaly feet that cap its furry legs look stolen from another animal. It cocks its head, regarding Rey curiously.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s a Loth-cat,” Ben says quietly. He’s sitting on the grass behind her in a meditation pose. He doesn’t seem surprised to find himself with her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She’s so happy to see him and hear his voice again that at first, she can’t answer. She feels like her heart might burst just looking at him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Ben.” She mouths the word but no sound comes. He isn’t moving or talking but his throat bobs as he swallows. He’s much taller; she can tell even from this angle. His hair is longer and he’s wearing a plain, sand-colored tunic.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Is this a dream?” She’s dreamed about him before but none ever felt this real. She can taste the mild air and smell the grass. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I think you’re probably asleep,” he concedes. “But it’s not a dream.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Is this Lothal? Are you at the temple?” She spins back toward the cat, rolling on its back in the grass without any sign of fear. As far as she can see in every direction is waving green and soft blue. They’re on top of a hill and there are others dotting the landscape, spiraling up from the ground to the sky. It’s lovely.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“This is Lothal. The temple is a few kilometers from here. I’m on a retreat.” He’s answering her questions but his tone is polite, detached. She hates it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rey wants to flop down on the grass next to him, nudge his arm and make him smile at her like he used to, but she knows he doesn’t want that. This is the longest they’ve ever been apart—two endless, miserable years—but he’s still angry at her. Still hurt.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t understand. If I’m asleep and this isn’t a dream, what is it?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She can tell he’s choosing his words carefully when he responds. “The Force is strong on Lothal. I’ve been meditating on this hill for a long time. I’m guessing that you’re asleep and the Force is taking advantage of…both our guards being down, so to speak.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m not guarding myself against you, Ben. I never was.” She feels a spark of anger from him, maybe disbelief. Everything after that comes out in a rush. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried to apologize that day but I wasn’t fast enough. Please tell me you believe me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You have nothing to apologize for,” he says stiffly. She hasn’t broken through his defensiveness. “You were right. I can see that now.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Right about what?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It was wrong to try and make you take me into your confidence. To pressure you to leave Jakku and share a path I wasn’t even sure I wanted for myself.” His voice is calm and even and utterly not Ben.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And are you sure now? Do you like Jedi school?” She tries to smile but it doesn’t amount to very much.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m learning a great deal. Master Skywalker says I show much promise.” He sounds like a droid. Rey wants nothing so much as to shake him silly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Does he know about me? Did you tell him?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s a flash of something in his eyes. She can’t quite make out its meaning. Is it resentment? And is he resentful of her or Luke?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You asked me not to tell him about you. I kept my word.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You never gave me your word,” she amends gently. “But thanks just the same.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She turns back to the sweeping view of the valley below. “I didn’t know there was this much green in the entire galaxy,” she whispers, pretending to push a strand of hair out of her face so she can wipe her eyes. Being away from Ben so long did not hurt nearly as much as being here with this cold person who looks like him, but isn’t.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What are the other students like? Have you made lots of friends from lots of different worlds? It must be so interesting.” The only thing she hates more than his false courtesy is her own.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t do that,” he barks, and at last there’s a modicum of genuine human emotion from him, even if it is negative. “You don’t have to make small talk, Rey. This isn’t one of my mother’s garden parties.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Darkness is gathering inside her, an ugly desire to give as much hurt as she is getting. “How is your mother? She must be terribly relieved that you’re finally here. Does she visit often? Is all the meditation making her like you more?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His rage is so intense that the silky hairs on her arms stand on end. She wishes she hadn’t said such a hateful thing. Why did she do it?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Two years,” he spits. She turns to see him jumping to his feet, face tight with fury. “Two years I spent thinking we would never see each other again. Wondering how you were, if you had starved or fallen to your death. And here you are, reminding me again how stupid I am for even caring. Thank you very much for that. Goodbye, Rey.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He pushes straight past her and marches down the hill, the Loth-cat charging after him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Ben, wait! Come back.” She sprints down the slope but he never breaks stride. “I said wait, dammit!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She throws herself in his path, pushing him back roughly when he moves to pass her again. “Will you just wait, please?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They stare at each other, both red-faced and winded with adrenaline and anger. “What do you want, Rey? You want to insult me some more? Needle me about not having any friends? Ask if my parents ignored my birthday for the second year running? What did I ever do to you to make you treat me like this?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her vision blurs with tears of shame. “Nothing. You don’t deserve it. You were always kind to me, and generous and sweet and I…” She covers her hand with her mouth so he won’t hear the sob that wants to get out. “I know it doesn’t make any sense but I pushed you away because I thought it would hurt less than you forgetting me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Forgetting you? Are you kidding me? Why would you ever think that I could forget you? You were my best friend, Rey.” She doesn’t miss the tense. A little piece of her soul withers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You were so excited to come to Lothal. And I knew you were going to meet so many new people and learn things about your powers. You weren’t going to want me lurking around, begging for your table scraps. Your dirty secret."</em>
  <em><br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“First of all, I begged you to come to Lothal with me. I wasn’t trying to hide you, I was trying to…”  He shakes his fists in frustration. “Rey, I don’t know why you refuse to leave that hellhole. I don’t know why you refuse to accept any help for your family. And I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be thrilled to learn you’re strong in the Force. I don’t get any of it. But I accepted it. I accepted you. And you just…you shut me out. You left me. Like everyone else.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The unfairness of the accusation burns and she can’t stop the tears running down her cheeks. “I never shut you out, Ben. You shut me out. While you were here on this beautiful world, learning so many new things, you left me behind. And you knew I had nothing else. You knew how much I needed…” The emptiness is more than she can take. She drops down on the grass and lets the misery swallow her whole. The Loth-cat rubs against her leg, purring.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I thought…I thought you closed the bond,” he whispers, stricken.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I wouldn’t know how to do that even if I wanted to—which I didn’t!” she yells. The cat bristles at her raised voice but then decides to climb onto her lap anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She feels Ben tentatively touch her hair, then her shaking shoulders. He kneels down in front of her. “Please don’t cry,” he begs. “I can’t stand watching you cry. Knowing I’m the cause is even worse.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I missed you, you colossal idiot,” she snaps.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He gives a strangled little laugh. It’s the most exquisite sound she’s ever heard.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I missed you, too.” His eyes are two colors, a ring of brown inside a ring of green. How has she never noticed that before?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ben reaches out slowly and wipes the tears from her cheek. His fingers are trembling a little. She takes his hand and threads their fingers together. The Loth-cat, not getting the attention he wants, gives Rey up as a bad job and sets off into a patch of tall grass nearby. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She smiles at Ben and finally, finally he gives her a real smile in return. The shards of glass slicing through her heart dissolve.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m sorry for every stupid, hurtful thing I said. I don’t know why—”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Doesn’t matter. I forgive you.” And he means it, she can tell. “Did you really miss me?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Every day.” Every minute, really, but she can’t quite bring herself to admit that out loud. His eyes are the same shade of green as the grass in the valley.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you alright? I mean, is everything on Jakku—?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Jakku is just the same.” She squeezes his hand. “Now tell me, how are you really finding Jedi school? Do you like it? Are you happy here, Ben?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He seems as captivated by their linked hands as she is by his eyes. “Some parts are good. Others less so. I’ve been here about a year-and-a-half now. So I’m used to everything, at least.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She recalls his biting remark about not having friends. “And the other students?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shakes his head. “There are a few. Most are nice enough. It’s a bit weird with Master…with Luke being my uncle and all.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You mean they treat you differently? Or he does?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“They keep their distance. And to be fair, I guess I do, too. Ironically, I’m still not used to having other people around all the time.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rey looks meaningfully at the empty landscape. Ben chuckles. “You’re right. I complained all the time about being left alone and now that I’m here, I run away every chance I get.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He traces a faint jagged line on the inside of her forearm. “This wasn’t here before. How’d you get it?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Disagreement with a Teedo.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You mean you got stabbed?!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He got one lucky scratch on me before I laid him out. Matter of fact, he still has a little memento right between his eyes from my lucky charm.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ben groans and drops his head melodramatically to his chest. “Maybe it’s better if I don’t ask,” he mumbles.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Precisely,” she teases. “That’s what I’ve been telling you for years.” She means to muss his hair but instead he looks up and she finds herself cradling his cheek. His eyes really are extraordinarily beautiful.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I…I have something for you. For your birthday,” she manages.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s not my birthday yet.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Soon enough. Week after next?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shakes his head wonderingly. “How do you remember that?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I keep track of the days in my…my place. I make scratches on the wall. And I always mark every day we see each other.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, now I get it. You mentioned that last time but I didn’t understand what you meant. Come to think of it, it was my birthday then, too. How did you like the cake? I always wondered.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It was amazing,” she whispers earnestly. She doesn’t tell him that she could never bring herself to eat it, that it sat on the shelf next to her hammock for months, until it darkened and hardened and attracted ravenous bugs. Then she carefully wrapped it in the bright green paper napkins and buried it in a hole in the sand at twilight, weeping for the boy she thought she had lost forever.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do you want your present or not?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Rey, you don’t have to give me anything. And why would you even have a present for me? We haven’t spoken in two years.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s not something I have to carry around,” she says. The tips of his ears flush crimson.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She reaches down into the grass and finds a small grey stone. She places it in the center of her palm and extends her hand toward him. Ben goes deathly still. The rock lifts into the air, light as a mote of dust on a summer breeze, whirling in lazy circles. It flows toward him and comes to rest on his knee. His eyes are huge.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re not the only one who’s been practicing.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She doesn’t understand how, but Rey knows the connection between them is about to close. She leans in fast, pressing a feather-light kiss to his cheek. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Happy birthday, Ben,” she whispers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His shiver of pleasure is the last thing she feels—</em>
</p><p>—before she wakes up in her hammock, longing for someone who isn’t there.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Fifteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Less than three weeks pass before she sees him again. She’s not really in a position to chat, unfortunately. She’s hanging upside down by her ankle in a dreadnought’s hyperdrive engine.</p><p>“What the—!” Ben’s voice echoes through the cavernous space, which is strange when she thinks about it. How can the sound carry when he isn’t actually here?</p><p>“Oh, hello,” she calls with false cheer. “Fancy seeing you here. Did you have a nice birthday?”</p><p>“Rey, what the hell is going on?”</p><p>“Funny story. I was trying to reach something up there.” She points past her feet, toward the top of the massive cylinder. “I lost my grip…and here we are.”</p><p>“That’s it? That’s the story? Not that funny, actually.”</p><p>“I don’t suppose you’re in a position to just walk over here and push me up?”</p><p>Ben scans around anxiously. He’s standing not that far below where she’s suspended. “I’m walking in the valley, Rey. There’s nothing here for me to climb. You’re just dangling in the sky.”</p><p>Maybe it’s because she’s already dizzy from all the blood in her head but she has a vivid memory of Ben popping up over the edge of her hammock, hair sticking out in every direction, telling her how strange she looks floating in his room.</p><p>“How far down are you from the secure end of the rope?” he yells up.</p><p>“Ten or fifteen meters, I think? A bit hard to say from this angle.”</p><p>“Do you have any kind of blade?”</p><p>She waves one arm back and forth so he can see the knife she’s holding. The motion sets her spinning. Not good.</p><p>“I got that far. I was just trying to figure out what the next step was once the line was severed.”</p><p>He sounds calmer. “That part I <em>can</em> help with. Are you able to swing up and cut yourself free?”</p><p>“Give me a minute,” she huffs. She takes a few slow, deep breaths then heaves herself up to try and snag the line. Her stomach muscles rebel. It doesn’t seem as if she’s going to have enough strength to reach it, but then she feels a gentle pressure against her back, adding a stable enough lift that her fingers close around the thick cord.</p><p>She has to release one hand in order to cut. The support remains in place behind her, keeping her steady while she saws at the fraying fabric. When she has sliced about halfway through, a strand snaps and she lurches down a centimeter or two, enough to make her heart stutter.</p><p>“Keep going,” Ben shouts. He voice is strained. “You’re almost there.”</p><p>Her stomach is burning and she feels slightly sick. Neither one of them can keep this up much longer. Rey reaches back as far as she can and drives the blade through the remaining cord with all her might.</p><p>She’s in free fall, with no time to even scream before she feels the Force wrap around her, preventing a fatal impact. Her descent slows rapidly but she still collides with Ben. His arm is outstretched and his eyes are screwed tightly shut in concentration, so he hasn’t moved out of the way quickly enough.</p><p>When they finally roll to a stop, they’re on the curved engine bottom, arms and legs tangled together.</p><p>“Bet your side is softer,” she wheezes. “Wish I was there.”</p><p>He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. His face is so close she can see the faint shadow than now lines his upper lip. “I wish you were, too,” he whispers.</p><p>And then she’s alone.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>~~~~~</p><p><br/>
Someone is leaning over the hammock, shaking her awake. Her first conscious thought is, <em>the traps failed</em>. Her second is a strong desire for her staff, which flies into her hand the next second. Before she has even opened her eyes, she is jabbing hard at the intruder. The knobbed end of the pole connects with a satisfying crack.</p><p>“Kriffing hell!”</p><p>She knows that voice.</p><p>Ben’s clutching his nose and it’s dark inside the walker, but she can make out enough to tell he’s injured.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was you.” She scrambles out of the hammock, using her wraps to staunch the bleeding.</p><p>“You couldn’t have. I’m sorry I scared you.” She pushes his hands away so she can mop his face. He’s already a mess.</p><p>“I’m afraid this isn’t very clean. Do you have anything there you can use to apply pressure until it stops?”</p><p>“Yeah, I do.” He reaches past her and comes back with a large piece of fabric. She’s thinks it might be a shirt.</p><p>“Be still,” she orders, carefully probing the bridge of his nose with her fingers. “I don’t think it’s broken, it just tends to bleed a lot.” She grabs the fabric and presses it hard to his face. “Lean forward a bit and tip your head down, so the blood doesn’t run into your throat and make you ill.”</p><p>He chuckles despite his battered state. “Why am I not surprised that you have expertise in emergency medical treatment?”</p><p>“Emergency? You have led a sheltered life.”</p><p>She holds the shirt in place with one hand while she brushes his hair back with the other. At first, she only means to keep it away from the blood. But the strands are soft and she finds she likes the sensation. Ben seems to enjoy it, too. She can feel his eyes on her over the makeshift bandage, though she can’t see him clearly.</p><p>“How will you explain this?”</p><p>“What’s to explain? I’m in my own hut. I wash my own laundry. Everyone here is covered in bumps and bruises from training. No one will even notice, I promise.”</p><p>“I think it’s slowing down but you better hold on to this. Why don’t we sit?”</p><p>When they’re on the floor, arm to arm, Rey can’t help the thrill of happiness that runs through her. It’s been so long—three years, in fact—since he was last here-but-not. She’s struck by how small the compartment feels in relation to his long legs and broad shoulders. She remembers him boasting in this very room that he was going to grow up to be as tall as his father.</p><p>“I know it’s been a few months but I never got the chance to say it then, so I’m saying it now: thanks for helping me get out of that jam in the dreadnought. I’m not sure what I would have done if you hadn’t appeared.”</p><p>“I don’t want to think about that,” he murmurs behind the fabric, “but you’re welcome.”</p><p>“How’s the temple? Do you have a lightsaber yet?</p><p>“Not one of my own. I’m working with the training sabers.”</p><p>“What’s that like?”</p><p>“So far, so good. It’s probably the thing I’m best at. If you and I can ever come together in daylight—without you hanging upside down—I can show you some stances I’ve learned. Not that you need any help with self-defense.”</p><p>He drops the soaked cloth into his lap and dabs at his upper lip cautiously. “I’m pretty sure it stopped,” he says.</p><p>“Sorry again.”</p><p>“No worries.” She senses something, a tiny flutter of fear. She doesn’t understand it at first, but then Ben reaches over and slides his fingers through hers. He runs his thumb lightly up and down the span of her hand and Rey hears the dull thud of her pulse in her ears. <em>What is happening to me?</em> she wonders. She feels slightly dazed.</p><p>“There are a lot of things we never got the chance to talk about last time. Or the time before that, when you casually demonstrated your Force abilities.”</p><p>“We do seem to have a fair bit of catching up to do, don’t we?”</p><p>“Where should we start?” he wonders. “Personally, I would very much like to hear how you went from, ‘You’re crazy, Ben,’ to levitating objects on your own.”</p><p>“Not much to tell, really. I had a lot of time on my hands after that night when you explained how you levitated the washer. One day I just decided to try it. It took a few attempts before I got the hang of it. Then I gradually moved on to bigger and bigger things.”</p><p>“Any other skills you’ve mastered?”</p><p>“I mostly use it when I’m scavenging. Pushing heavy things out of the way or pulling things to me that I can’t reach. I haven’t tried reading anyone’s mind or anything like that. Not a lot of minds on Jakku I’d want to read, to be honest.” She snickers.</p><p>Ben is quiet for a long moment. Then he says, “We could try tonight. With each other.”</p><p>Her throat feels unaccountably tight. “Is that…do you think that’s a good idea?” She can’t explain why the suggestion makes her so nervous, makes her face too hot.</p><p>“I told you a long time ago that I knew you were Force-sensitive. And I hoped that you and I could build on…whatever this thing is between us.” Has his voice always been this deep? Listening to him in the dark is making her feel strange—lighter than air, denser than a star. “Everything I’ve learned here about the Force tells me I’m right. I think we could read each other’s thoughts. I know we can already sense each other’s emotions.”</p><p>He twists a little closer, lays his free hand over their already-intertwined ones. “I’d like to try something, if you’re willing. I think if we both work at this, we might be able to see each other more often, maybe at will. And eventually, we might be able to communicate even without the bond bringing us together like this.”</p><p>Her mouth is terribly dry but she manages to remind him, “You told me all this once before. What is it you want to try?” She hopes he doesn’t notice how clammy her hand is.</p><p>“I was thinking that if you focus your attention on your surroundings, and I try to read your thoughts, I might be able to…see through your eyes. If that makes any kind of sense?”</p><p>It’s definitely panic she’s feeling. Oddly enough, the notion of Ben being inside her brain isn’t what most bothers her. She can’t bear him seeing how dilapidated and sad this place is that she calls home.</p><p>He senses her dread. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to, Rey. It was just a thought.”</p><p>“Can I try to see Lothal first?”</p><p>There’s a flash of understanding in his eyes. “Absolutely. And this may not even work, so there’s no need to be anxious, okay?”</p><p>She nods a little too hard. “What do I do?”</p><p>“Pretty much every exercise I’ve ever done here has started with Luke saying, ‘Relax and breathe.’ Why don’t we begin there? Close your eyes. I’m going to concentrate on my hut. You focus on me and see if…see if anything happens, I guess.”</p><p>It’s hard to relax when she can feel Ben’s warmth and hear him breathing so close by. Instead of allowing it to distract her, she tries to use it, by tying her own rhythm to his. She pictures Lothal in her mind’s eye and its peaceful beauty calms her racing heart.</p><p>“Good, Rey,” he’s whispering. “You’re doing perfectly. I can feel your presence in the Force so strongly. Try to reach out to me with your feelings.”</p><p>At first, she has no clue what he means or what she should do. She’s self-conscious about her own lack of knowledge and training. But gradually she surrenders that to the sensations of the experience. She perceives subtle ribbons of energy flowing around and through them, shifting bands of color and light. The resonance that Ben once described reveals itself to her awareness more strongly than she has ever experienced. It’s wondrous. She feels simultaneously insignificant and the living embodiment of the universe.</p><p>“Ben,” she gasps, “this is incredible. But I can’t see Lothal. I’m sorry.”</p><p>The faintest whiff of disappointment slips across the bond. “It’s okay. It was a long shot, I guess. Thanks for indulging me.”</p><p>Rey opens her eyes. “We can—”</p><p>She can’t speak. She can’t move. She can’t think. She can’t breathe.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” he demands.</p><p>She is no longer inside the walker. She is not on Jakku. She is sitting inside Ben’s hut, at the Jedi temple on Lothal.</p><p>“Rey, you’re scaring me. What’s going on? Talk, dammit.”</p><p>“I’m here,” she mouths silently.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m here. In your room. I’m not seeing it through your eyes. I’m seeing it through mine.”</p><p>They surely look ridiculous, staring open-mouthed in shock at one another. Ben recovers first. “Can you…can you touch things? Can you smell things? Are you actually <em>here</em>?”</p><p>He jumps up, pulling Rey to her feet. The building is tiny. The walls are wood and stone. There’s a small stove for heat and light, a table and a bed against each of the longer walls. Little else. She can feel cold air seeping in under the sill.</p><p>“Is it winter here?” she asks, and he nods in delight.</p><p>She moves to the table, handling each of its objects in turn. Most are unfamiliar to her but the two that have pride of place she knows very well: a small red crystal and a fading red flower. They are the most colorful things in the room.</p><p>There’s also a sheet of paper covered in writing. No one uses paper or writes by hand anymore but of course Ben does. Not because he has to but because he wants to. Lifting the paper carefully to her nose, she inhales deeply, remembering the lovely book of Alderaanian myths he gave her so many years ago.</p><p>The bed is narrow enough that she can’t comprehend how he fits on it. She perches on the edge of the pallet, running her fingers over the blanket. It’s rough and rather thin given the season. “This is very different than your life on Chandrila, isn’t it?” she can’t help but observe.</p><p>Ben runs both hands through his hair. He may be in shock, she isn’t sure. He paces the length of the hut, repeating, “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this is happening.”</p><p>A jolt of fear runs through her. “Is this…permanent, do you think? Am I trapped here now?”</p><p>“Trapped?” The word seems to bring him up short.</p><p>“I just mean, do you think I’ll go back the same way I came?”</p><p>“Honestly, I don’t know. This is so much more than I was hoping.” Rey understands how he feels; the fact that Ben might just as easily have ended up on Jakku tonight makes her queasy.</p><p>He’s so agitated it’s alarming. “If you’re actually here, I wonder if the others will feel your presence. If Luke—” He jerks toward the door so suddenly she half-expects to see his uncle burst in, demanding answers. It’s not as if they’ve done anything wrong but they both seem to feel like criminals on the verge of being caught.</p><p>“Come sit with me,” she orders. “Please, Ben. You’re making me nervous.”</p><p>“How are you feeling?” he asks as he joins her. “Are you experiencing any...unusual…” He doesn’t seem to know how to finish the sentence.</p><p>“I feel fine,” she reassures him. “Totally normal.”</p><p>“Are you cold? I know it’s colder here than you’re used to. We’re not supposed to have any food or drinks in our huts but I could sneak over to the kitchen if—”</p><p>“I’m fine,” she repeats. “I promise I would tell you if I wasn’t.”</p><p>He collapses against the uneven surface of the wall. “I have absolutely no idea what to do now.” Then he starts to laugh.</p><p>“This is funny?”</p><p>“This is astonishing. Incomprehensible. You just crossed the galaxy <em>in a heartbeat</em>. Tens of thousands of light years like <em>that</em>.” He snaps his fingers.</p><p>The enormity of it is hard to grasp. She slides back onto the bed, leaning into Ben’s arm and curling her legs tightly under her.</p><p>He whispers into her hair, “Are you sure you’re okay?” When she nods, he presses his lips to her forehead. He’s never done that before. It feels nice.</p><p>“Maybe this is a dream,” she theorizes. “Maybe one of us is hallucinating—or insane.”</p><p>He hasn’t taken his lips from her skin. She feels, as much as hears it, when he counters, “Or maybe you’re here with me now, just like I always wanted.”</p><p>After crossing the entire galaxy, it should not be difficult to lift her face to his. They’ve been tethered together across space and time for so many years that there’s a certain air of inevitability to it.</p><p>Rey isn’t entirely naive. She’s seen things around Niima Outpost, heard more than she sometimes wanted to know, about more than one species. She has never properly kissed anyone. In truth, she’s never had the slightest interest in kissing anyone. The whole custom strikes her as outlandish and fairly distasteful.</p><p>Tonight, she knows that if she’s ever going to try, it can only be with Ben.</p><p>Ben, with his beautiful eyes and warm hands that dissolve her into starlight.</p><p>They’re sharing all the same emotions, excitement and trepidation and yearning.</p><p>He’s leaning down and she’s knows he’s going to do it and she wants him to so she closes her eyes and…</p><p>Reality shifts.</p><p>She is crushed, scrambled, squeezed flat and exploded apart.</p><p>She is back on Jakku.</p><p>Alone.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Sixteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Oddly enough, the wait is less grueling this time. Ben is right; the bond between them is changing. It’s getting stronger.</p>
<p>Of course, she’d prefer to be with him in person. But as the months slide past, Rey is comforted by his constant, soothing presence in her mind. She’ll be doing some task—disassembling a communications array or scaling a repulsorlift—and a sudden spasm of anger or joy or frustration or awe will course through her and she <em>knows</em> that it’s his.</p>
<p>She wonders which emotions of hers he is sharing.</p>
<p>At times she has a prickle of awareness, like the feeling you get on the back of your neck when you know someone is watching you. More than once it’s so intense she turns around, desperate to find him there.</p>
<p>She goes to sleep at night hoping they will share a dreamspace, like the day they found their way back to each other on Lothal. They never do, at least that she can recall, but there are days she wakes feeling so peaceful, so centered, that she wonders whether their souls aren’t somehow flowing together through the cosmos as they rest.</p>
<p>One dark morning, she wakes up with static skittering through her veins and she gathers her gear as quickly as she can and flies for the Graveyard because <em>I will see him today</em> and she’s been planning for months exactly what she wants to show him.</p>
<p>“Where are you?” he asks with a tender smile, when he appears sitting next to her. Exactly as she knew he would.</p>
<p>“Would you like to see for yourself?”</p>
<p>“Really? You’re ready to let me see…?”</p>
<p>She reaches for his hands. “I picked out something extra special, just for you. Wait,” she hesitates, “are you afraid of heights? Be honest.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think so.”</p>
<p>“Good. When you feel the shift, open your eyes very slowly, alright?”</p>
<p>They’ve only done this once before, but already it’s familiar. Theirs. She can almost detect the edges of the boundary between them, a sort of membrane that can be pushed through. She knows when he is on her side of the dividing line.</p>
<p>“Are you ready?” she whispers, a little giddy.</p>
<p>Ben opens his eyes.</p>
<p>“Kriffing hell,” he exhales.</p>
<p>They are perched on a deflector shield generator dome, the highest point on the tallest wreck in the Graveyard. Jakku stretches out in every direction, flat and golden in the afternoon light.</p>
<p>He leans forward to glance down over the edge.</p>
<p>“Careful. If you aren’t used to it, the height can hit you pretty hard.” She squeezes his hands reassuringly.</p>
<p>“This is…I can’t…Rey!” His face is pure astonishment. “This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life.”</p>
<p>She’s stupidly pleased. There is nothing beautiful on her world. Soon after she was pulled back from Lothal, she decided instead to offer Ben something altogether unique. Where else in the galaxy but Jakku can you sun yourself atop a star destroyer?</p>
<p>“What is this place?”</p>
<p>“Some call it the ‘Graveyard of Giants’ or the ‘Starship Graveyard.’ Just the Graveyard, for short. I don’t know if you know this or not, but there was a terribly famous battle fought over Jakku a long time ago. This boy told me all about it when I was a kid.”</p>
<p>He has the good grace to look abashed. “I was an insufferable little know-it-all, wasn’t I?”</p>
<p>“Was?” She bumps his knee and laughs. “This is one of the biggest ships scuttled on Jakku. It’s an Imperial-class destroyer. The <em>Inflictor</em>, it was called.”</p>
<p>“I’ve read all about that battle but I never imagined in a million years…this is an incredible gift. Thank you.”</p>
<p>The deep sincerity of his tone makes her unaccountably shy. Her plan is succeeding beyond all expectation.</p>
<p>“Was this where I found you hanging that day? Inside this ship?”</p>
<p>“No, that was the dreadnought.” She points off to their east, to another hulk buried in a dune. “The <em>Ravager</em>. It’s a bit bigger than this one but most of it is under the sand.”</p>
<p>“Amazing.”</p>
<p>Rey fishes through her satchel, pulls something out. “I brought you a present. A keepsake for your Jakku collection.” She hands him a small mass, dark and glittering. “Careful, it’s sharp.”</p>
<p>He’s turning it over and over in his palm, admiring the way the sunlight bounces off its reflective surface. Possibly he’s imagining how it will look on his table. She is.</p>
<p>“There’s a place a few hundred kilometers that way, where the heat from a crash was so intense that it turned all the sand to glass. Folks call it the Crackle.”</p>
<p>“And this is a piece of that glass?”</p>
<p>She nods.</p>
<p>He’s speechless. Her Ben is actually speechless.</p>
<p>“I have no idea what to say. I never expected it to be like this. It’s almost, I don’t know, majestic. Epic, somehow.”</p>
<p>“Let’s not get carried away. It’s a very grand heap of scrap metal in what is essentially a massive garbage midden.” Her tone is light, teasing. She can’t believe how happy she is to share this with him.</p>
<p>“Tell me something about your life,” he begs. “I don’t know what you do every day, where you go, who you talk to. There’s no one in the universe I feel closer to but in some ways, I don’t know anything about you, Rey.”</p>
<p>A little of the glow fades. It’s alright to take in the local scenery from a distance, but it doesn’t really bear closer examination. The sparkle will surely leave his lovely eyes.</p>
<p>“There’s nothing to know, Ben. I get up and I ride my speeder here. I spend the whole day hunting for pieces that Plutt wants or things I know are always in demand—”</p>
<p>“Who’s Plutt?” he interrupts.</p>
<p>That takes her back. “I’ve never mentioned Plutt? Really?” He looks at her significantly, as if to say, <em>see what I mean?</em></p>
<p>“Unkar Plutt runs what we call the Concession Stand in…the closest settlement.” She hopes he doesn’t notice how she omits the name of that place. “He barters food and water portions in exchange for salvage that he can sell off-world. He controls pretty much everything in these parts.” She’s already told him more than she should but there is no help for it.</p>
<p>“How does he treat you?” Ben asks seriously.</p>
<p>“He’s never mistreated me more than anyone else he deals with, if that’s what you’re asking. I don’t like to brag but I am pretty good at finding the premium trash—” she affects a comic bow, “—so he avoids conflict with me.”</p>
<p>He’s still scowling. Once she would have found his protectiveness insulting, or even amusing, but now it just makes her feel light and glad.</p>
<p>“I take the speeder to his trading stall, get my food and water allotment, and go back to sleep for the night. Then I do it all again the next day.”</p>
<p>“But where do you sleep? Do you live in that town? In what sort of structure? How many people live with you? You never mention anyone else. I don’t ever remember you being afraid of someone overhearing us.”</p>
<p>He’s too close to all the things she never wants him to know. Even now, when thoughts of her parents arise less and less frequently, there is still a stubborn child inside of her that refuses to give up hope. One day, they will return. And even if she could know, with absolute certainty, that it would never happen, she still couldn’t tell Ben. He’s on a path that is doing him so much good. If she ever confessed to him the real conditions of her life, she knows he would drop everything and come for her. She can’t ask him to give up his future for the sake of a Jakku desert rat. She cares about him too much.</p>
<p>Right now, he is a river of dreams that she can bathe in whenever she wants or needs to. Once the mystery of her is gone, the strange lure of their constant together-apartness, Ben may look at her one day and realize she was never worth it. She was never special. Rey knows seeing that realization dawning in his eyes would break her in a way Jakku never has, never could.</p>
<p>But this she can have. This tiny moment she can allow herself. She’s earned this.</p>
<p>“Ben,” she says, sliding nearer, “we never know how much time we’ll get. I don’t want to waste it all talking about my dreary life. I spend every day with my dreariness; we’re intimately acquainted. When I get the chance to be with you, part of what makes it so…so magical is that it takes my mind somewhere else. Do you understand what I mean?”</p>
<p>He’s disappointed, she can tell. But he strokes her hand and says that he does.</p>
<p>“So what would you like to talk about?”</p>
<p>They came so close last time and Rey had many months to imagine what she missed. Maybe that’s why she’s oddly calm and direct when she tells him, “I don’t really want to talk at all.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Don’t pull us apart. Don’t pull us apart. Don’t pull us apart.</em>
</p>
<p>Maybe she is the one pleading with the universe, maybe he is. No matter. The universe is in a generous mood today.</p>
<p>His lips are softer than anything she has ever touched. Except for his hair. The instant she remembers how silky his hair was that night in the walker, she is greedy to feel it again. She slides both her hands deep into the dark strands, wrapping around his neck. Ben makes a sound like she has never heard, inside <em>her</em> mouth, and she is lost. The world contracts into a tiny, bright sphere of sensation and emotion. He is saying her name but he can’t be, because his mouth is on hers and decidedly busy. She realizes he is thinking her name, over and over, such a tiny word enfolding so much desire.</p>
<p>The buzzing in her ears intensifies, burrowing deep, deep under her skin.</p>
<p>It’s the song of the Force and it is exultant.</p>
<p>But there’s something else. A kindly warning, a cautionary flare blazing up behind her eyelids. Their time is coming to a close.</p>
<p>“Ben,” she pulls back only far enough to be able to speak. He is gasping, chest heaving as if he climbed this destroyer just to be with her. “The bond, it’s ending. Can you feel it? Can you feel the—”</p>
<p>He’s already nodding, yanking her back to his lips again.</p>
<p>They could stop, could say ‘goodbye’ or ‘see you soon.’ But really, everything they want to say is already passing between them like this.</p>
<p>They’re still embracing when Ben disappears.</p>
<p>She tastes his memory for days.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Seventeen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She’s lying under the speeder, tightening down a loose bolt on one of the exhaust ports, when she feels the tell-tale burst of energy that lets her know Ben is nearby. Twisting her head, she can see the soft brown of his boots as he comes closer, then his face as he ducks low to find her.</p><p>“How did you know I couldn’t see you unless you knelt down?” she asks, smiling wide.</p><p>His answering smile is just as bright. “Because you’re touching the speeder, so I can see it, remember?”</p><p>She holds out both hands and he drags her gently out from under the hovering vehicle. She slides easily through the sand. Before she can sit up, Ben is crouched over her, kissing her softly.</p><p>“Hello,” he whispers.</p><p>“Hi,” she responds, brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes. It’s long and wavy, the way she likes it best.</p><p>“These are new,” he observes, running a hand up and down her arm. She found an unopened crate of medical gauze a couple of months back, and has taken to wearing it wrapped around her arms. It protects her against sun, wind and sand, and is easily replaceable whenever she tears it.</p><p>“I didn’t want to get reprimanded again,” she teases, rolling her eyes.</p><p>“You got stabbed, Rey. Stabbed. I think I had a right to be concerned.”</p><p>“Hush,” she says, darting up to kiss him quickly. “Tell me where you are and what you’re doing today.”</p><p>“I’m on Lothal. On our hill.” It gives her a queer little thrill to hear him say <em>our</em>. “Just taking a long walk. Nothing important.”</p><p>“You Jedi certainly do have a lot of free time on your hands.” She can’t stop herself from gripping the fabric of his tunic. He doesn’t seem to mind.</p><p>“I’m not a Jedi.”</p><p>“Jedi-in-training, then.”</p><p>“No, not even that. I told you, I’m here to study the ways of the Force. I have no intention of becoming a Jedi knight. That’s not what I want for my life.” He gives her a penetrating look that makes her heart skip in her chest.</p><p>“Does your uncle know that? As I recall, he doesn’t like taking ‘no’ for an answer.”</p><p>Ben’s face darkens. “He knows,” he says shortly.</p><p>“Is that why you’re out walking? Did you have an argument? You…” she mentally catalogs the emotions she has felt from him through the bond today. “You were very grumpy before you saw me.”</p><p>He shakes his head. “You’re a wonder, do you know that?”</p><p>“I <em>don’t</em> know that, actually,” she demurs, shaking sand out of her hair.</p><p>“Well I do,” he says, voice low, and kisses her again. He reaches out bashfully and traces the line of her neck with his fingertips, swallowing hard.</p><p>Rey giggles, grabbing for his wandering hand. “You’re trying to distract me.”</p><p>He blushes. “Apparently I’m not doing a very good job of it.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t say that.” It’s embarrassing how breathy her voice is, but it isn’t as if Ben doesn’t know exactly what she’s feeling in his presence. “Tell me what happened.”</p><p>With a grunt of resignation, Ben stretches out on the ground, propping his head on his fist. She mirrors his pose.</p><p>“My uncle is…asking questions.”</p><p>“About me?”</p><p>“He doesn’t know anything about you,” Ben hastens to reassure her. “But I think he senses something. He knows I’m keeping things from him. I can see him resisting the urge to just jump inside my brain and drag it all out into the open.”</p><p>“What is he asking? What is it you think he senses?”</p><p>“It started when you came to Lothal. I don’t know if he actually felt your presence on the grounds or maybe he just saw how happy I was after that night.” He grazes her cheek, his expression nostalgic. “It became obvious pretty quickly that he was keeping a closer eye on me, wanting to know where I was going and why. And the last time I saw you, when you…when you kissed me…”</p><p>He trails off, lost in memory. Rey feels a rush of affection so strong she wants to curl up in his lap like the Loth-cat. <em>I’m mad for you</em>, she thinks, and she sees the instant her unguarded declaration pierces his consciousness.</p><p>The next thing she knows, she is on her back in the sand and Ben is on top of her, kissing her ferociously. She can’t help the bubble of absolute joy that bursts from her. She is laughing, and then he is laughing, and it’s the happiest she’s been in her entire life. And she knows it.</p><p>“You didn’t finish your story,” she rasps, as he leaves a trail of wet, ravenous kisses along the line of her neck he mapped a moment ago. “About Luke…”</p><p>“To hell with Luke,” he growls. The timbre of his voice provokes a strange answering response inside her, something wild and wanting.</p><p>“We don’t know how much time we have—” she tries again.</p><p>“Exactly,” he mouths against her collarbone.</p><p>She can see that she is not going to get his attention back unless drastic action is taken. She pushes hard against his shoulders, flipping him over into the sand. Before he can protest, she’s on top of him, holding his arms down. His eyes are darker than she has ever seen them.</p><p>“Talk,” she orders, not trusting herself to say more as he shifts and pants beneath her.</p><p>“I can think of so many other things I would rather do than talk about Luke Skywalker right now,” he moans.</p><p>Rey lowers her mouth close enough to feel his every desperate breath. “After,” she whispers and Ben actually whimpers. The feeling of power that cascades through her is heady and thrilling, more than a little dangerous.</p><p>“Do you want me to let you up?” she asks, flushing at her own boldness.</p><p>“Don’t you dare,” he murmurs. He grips her legs possessively, then closes his eyes like he is trying to clear his head enough to do as she asks.</p><p>“After that day on Jakku, I was…happy. Really happy. I couldn’t hide it. Apparently, that was unusual enough behavior that he noticed.” Rey snickers. “Switch off,” he says affectionately, rubbing her calf. “He started making me spend more time with him. Wanting me to meditate in the temple instead of in the valley. He’s asking me questions about my dreams, about…all kinds of things. It’s like he, I don’t know, he can tell there’s something else in my life. It’s almost like he’s—”</p><p>“Jealous?” Rey finishes. It isn’t hard for her to understand. In a way, she’s jealous of all the time Luke gets to spend with Ben. “What’s his theory, do you imagine?”</p><p>Ben shrugs. “Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe he thinks I’m sneaking around with one of the other apprentices. But it’s driving him crazy that he can’t figure out which one. They all spend a lot of time ignoring me, and vice versa.”</p><p>A small stab of fear runs through her. “What are the others like? You’ve never said. They must come from all over the galaxy?” She can’t think of a way to ask what she really wants to know, which is whether there are any students Ben might like to spend time with if his separations from Rey prove too long and lonely.</p><p>He understands her perfectly. “And you think <em>I’m</em> an idiot,” he teases, pulling her down by her wraps to kiss her again. “As if anyone in the universe could stand a chance next to you. The girl who crossed the stars for me.”</p><p>Her climbing on top of him was either the very worst or best idea she has had to date. She’s feeling things she didn’t know her body was capable of. But then he pulls back suddenly and she senses why. The bond is ending.</p><p>“Dammit. Let’s try to come back together on purpose. In ten days. This exact time of day. Think about me and I’ll think about you and we’ll—”</p><p>She pitches face first into the sand when he disappears.<br/><br/></p><p>~~~~~</p><p><br/>Her hands are clammy and she can’t stop fidgeting. She’s been sitting all morning in the same spot near the AT-AT where she saw Ben ten days ago, afraid to miss their chance of connecting. She won’t be able to make it to the Graveyard and Niima Outpost now, which means no dinner, but it’s a sacrifice she’s happy to make if only this works.</p><p>Is she too early? Too late? She has no way of telling the precise time of day, then or now. Did she miscount the days—perhaps he meant ‘ten days including today’ rather than ‘ten days after today.’ Every possible scenario ricochets through her brain.</p><p>She holds her staff across her lap, fingertips fanned lightly over the silver washer that reminds her of him. If she concentrates closely enough, she can feel the molecular vibration of it, one note in the music of the world surrounding her. Jakku may appear barren and dead, but even before Ben helped her open up to the Force, she knew just how much life was teeming below its drab surface.</p><p>There’s a warmth blossoming inside her. She thinks of seeing the light of a speeder as it grows closer in the dark. He’s coming. They’ve actually done it, just as he always said they could if they worked together.</p><p>His back is flush with hers, because he has materialized sitting directly behind her. For a moment they don’t move, except to lean their heads together. The familiar wash of contentment settles over her. It’s frightening how quickly she has come to depend on it.</p><p>“Come to Lothal,” he whispers. “I have a surprise for you.”</p><p>It’s a glorious summer day on Lothal when she opens her eyes a second time. The transition has become only slightly less easy than breathing. They are sitting in the shade of a conical rock outcropping. Ben has brought the rough blanket from his bed and a massive haversack. He begins emptying its contents in front of her.</p><p>“You aren’t required to feed me every single time you see me,” she says. She’s making a joke but also secretly thankful she will not go to sleep starving tonight.</p><p>“I like feeding you. You’re too thin,” he declares, sticking a chunk of something into her mouth.</p><p>“What’s this?” she asks, chewing. It’s soft and a bit salty and delicious.</p><p>“Cushnip. More filling than fruit, but I brought that, too.”</p><p>“Where did you get all this? Did you rob the kitchen bare?”</p><p>Ben looks pleased with himself. “I’ve been smuggling food out for days. Planning.” He winks at her, making her giddy with pleasure.</p><p>“I wanna propose something,” he says, handing her a water canister. “For years we’ve been connecting around my birthday, but we’ve never celebrated yours.”</p><p>“<em>Maker</em>, that’s right! Your birthday is…is it tomorrow?”</p><p>He nods. “Seventeen tomorrow. So I propose that we appoint today as your birthday. And we can start celebrating both.”</p><p>Rey’s throat tightens. She has to take a mouthful of water to swallow the last of the cushnip. Then she smiles mischievously. “Wouldn’t that make me older than you? I’m not sure I like that idea.”</p><p>“Trust me,” he chuckles, “when you see what I brought for your birthday present, you’ll be glad you agreed.”</p><p>After they finish eating, he offers her a hand up. Then he grabs the haversack. He is bouncing with excitement. “Are you ready for your present?” he asks.</p><p>“Should I close my eyes or something?” she laughs.</p><p>He reaches into the sack and pulls out two thin silver cylinders of roughly the same length. “Afraid it’s only a loan. I have to return them later.”</p><p>She’s astonished. “Are those really lightsabers?”</p><p>“Training sabers. Not strong enough to cut your hand off but they’ll still give you a good strong shock, so be careful.” He offers them both for her examination.</p><p>Rey picks the lighter of the two and steps back so she can turn it on. The blade leaps out, sapphire blue and humming in her hand. <em>Humming just like the Force</em>, she muses, <em>the Force made visible</em>. She takes a trial swing and is delighted by the sound it makes cutting through the air.</p><p>“I promised if I could ever get you outside in daylight hours I would show you the forms,” he begins. He spends the next half-hour running her through the basics of the beginner drills they use at the temple. Not surprisingly, she’s a quick study.</p><p>“You want to try sparring?” he asks, and the eagerness in his voice lights her up inside with fondness. “I know you’d trounce me with staffs, but maybe with sabers I stand a small chance.”</p><p>At first, she’s tentative in her movements. She is used to holding a longer weapon. The saber requires engaging at closer quarters than she is comfortable with. But the longer they practice, the simpler it becomes. It almost feels as if she is absorbing Ben’s ease with handling the blade. She’s able to mimic some of his more intricate moves with startling precision. Anyone observing would not realize that Rey has never seen a lightsaber before today.</p><p>“You won’t believe what happened after I saw you last,” Ben huffs, blocking her swing. “My parents came to Lothal.”</p><p>“What?” She’s so surprised she drops her blade down immediately. “Why?”</p><p>“Let’s take a water break and I’ll tell you,” he suggests, powering his saber off.</p><p>He stretches out on the blanket, settling against the curve of the rock. Rey swallows down the water he offers then joins him, lying perpendicular to his lanky frame so she can rest her head on his leg. He looks startled, then extremely pleased.</p><p>“Can I…?” He gives a gentle tug on one of the bands holding her hair in three tight knots along her crown. “I’ve always wondered what your hair looks like down.”</p><p>Rey blushes so furiously she is sure Ben must feel the heat of it through the linen of his pants. She sits back up, reaching for the lowest knot. He leans forward, asking quietly, “May I?”</p><p>She turns away so he can access the bands. “Every time I’ve seen you, your hair has been tied up just like this,” he recalls. She can feel his fingertips shaking a little as he lets each knot loose. Rey carefully collects the bands, threading them around her wrist so she doesn’t suddenly leave them on Lothal. It gives her something to do with her own hands.</p><p>She can’t tell Ben that the reason she wears her hair like this is because it’s how she wore it as a small child. It’s the only way she can think to help her parents identify her when they come back to Jakku to claim her. <em>If they ever come back</em>, the tiniest part of her corrects.</p><p>“It’s so long,” he breathes. “I had no idea.” He’s running his fingers through the strands, combing the waves that fall down her back. When she glances at him over her shoulder, he gives the tiniest huff of air. “<em>Stars</em>, you’re beautiful.”</p><p>“I am not,” she insists. “I’m sweaty and filthy. I probably smell like a luggabeast on my best day—”</p><p>Ben crooks a finger under her chin, guiding her face toward his. “You’re the most beautiful thing I ever saw. I’ve always thought so. You of all people can tell if I’m lying.”</p><p>He presses a warm kiss to the corner of her mouth, then rests his forehead against her temple. “Rey—”</p><p>She knows he’s going to ask about coming to Jakku, as clearly as if she has already heard the words. “Weren’t you supposed to be telling me about your parents visiting?”</p><p>It’s cowardly and they both know it. He sighs in resignation. “Sure, if that’s what you want. We’ll talk about my parents.”</p><p>She waits until he is propped against the rock again, then resettles herself on his leg. He slides his fingers through the loose curls now spilling across his thigh. The look he gives her makes her blood catch fire. “You’re gonna be the death of me,” he murmurs. He doesn’t sound unhappy about it.</p><p>“So your parents came to visit you…?”</p><p>“Not me, Luke. Apparently, something is happening in the Unknown Regions that has the Senate concerned. Mom was deputized to brief the Master Jedi about it. I was an afterthought.”</p><p>“I’m sure that’s not true.”</p><p>“Well, it did confirm to me that I was right. Luke must have talked to them about me before they arrived. They were both hovering the entire time, chatting up how improved I am, how well temple life seems to suit me.”</p><p>“You think Luke told them you aren’t keen to take the vow?”</p><p>“He told them more than that.” Ben blushes straight down to the collar of his shirt. “My dad…ugh. Just before they left, my dad asked to ‘take a walk’ with me. Then he…kriffing hell. He tried to have the talk with me.”</p><p>“The talk?”</p><p>“You know, <em>the</em> <em>talk</em>. He asked me if I had ‘taken a shine’ to any of the other students. Asked if I was being…you know…”</p><p>She really doesn’t, but she can hazard a guess. His face is roughly the color of a setting sun.</p><p>“It was excruciating. He was clearly fishing for information. So I was right that Luke suspects something like that.”</p><p>“I mean, he isn’t wrong. Do you think he’d be angry, if you told him about me?”</p><p>“Honestly, I couldn’t care less. If anything, I think he’s trying to figure out why I don’t want to be a Jedi. He assumes there must be one particular reason and if he can just find it—and remove it, I guess—then I’ll want to stay here and be a monk for the rest of my life.” He gazes down at her, his expression open and tender. “He has no idea what he’s up against.”</p><p>“Rey,” he slides his fingers out of her hair and reaches for her hand, “I’ve been here three-and-a-half years. Next year, we’ll both be adults. I’ve told Luke since the beginning that I have no intention of staying a minute longer than I have to. At some point, you and I are going to have to—”</p><p>“Not today. Please, Ben. It’s been so perfect.”</p><p>He’s exasperated and not making much effort to conceal it. “You can’t hide from me forever, you know?”</p><p>“I know,” she admits. She smiles at him sadly. “But it’s my birthday.”</p><p>He closes his eyes and takes a few deep, steadying breaths. The training really does seem to be helping him, for all his dismissal of it.</p><p>“When can I see you again?” he demands.</p><p>“Aren’t you supposed to be studying? And I thought you said Luke was watching everything you do?”</p><p>“Let him watch,” he says angrily. “I couldn’t even stand to be here if it weren’t for you. He should be thanking you.”</p><p>Rey is afraid. Afraid of how much closer they’re becoming and what it might mean. As much as she has missed Ben in years past, the randomness of their encounters was far safer than this new reality. Each time they came together, they were barely reacquainted before the bond closed, pushing them apart again. Being able to see each other for long stretches of time, whenever they want, means more opportunities for him to demand answers and so more evasions and lies from her.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” he asks.</p><p>She sits up, still clinging to his hand. “Don’t be angry. It’s just hard to get so much time free. I have…responsibilities.”</p><p>“Is it the food? Because I can bring that every time. I’m happy to. And anything else you or your family needs. Just ask me, Rey. Let me help you. Let me in.”</p><p>“It isn’t about needing your help,” she bristles. “I can take care of myself. I’m not some kind of charity case—”</p><p>“I never said that. Don’t twist my words,” he shoots back. “Don’t do this, Rey. Don’t push me away because you’re afraid of letting me see your life too closely.”</p><p>“That’s not—I’m not doing that!”</p><p>“Yes, you are. I know you better than anyone. Probably better than I know myself. That’s <em>exactly</em> what you’re doing.”</p><p>Neither of them notices until it is too late the warning signs that they are about to be flung apart. Rey is startled to discover she is arguing only with herself.</p><p>And she’s ashamed at how relieved she is that they never got the chance to settle on another meeting time.<br/><br/></p><p>~~~~~</p><p><br/>The punishment for her selfishness is long months without him. After a while, she begins channeling her thoughts at random times hoping that somehow, she can communicate her intentions through the bond. Maybe she can catch his attention across the cosmos just long enough to lure him in, like a nightwatcher worm with its prey.</p><p>It’s stifling the night they finally reconnect. Rey is aching all over from hauling two big loads of titanium scrap from a TIE fighter into Niima. She shouldn’t have made the second run, in the most brutal heat of mid-day, but she couldn’t pass up the chance to get just a tiny bit more food laid by. She’s paying for it now with a vicious burn on the back of her shoulders. She thinks she might have a touch of sun poisoning.</p><p>The hammock is wretchedly uncomfortable. The mesh bites into her burn no matter which way she shifts. She can’t fall asleep and suddenly the extra food may turn out not to be extra at all; it may be what she eats tomorrow when she can’t go to the Graveyard because she’s exhausted from not sleeping tonight. That thought makes her rigid with rage. There is truly never any winning on Jakku.</p><p>One fat tear is rolling down her cheek as she’s shoved hard into the side of the hammock. Ben has materialized behind her and the hanging bed is not large enough for both of them.</p><p>“Rey?” He’s groggy with sleep. “What—”</p><p>“Can you move your elbow? I’m kind of squashed here.”</p><p>For a few seconds, they are a confused jumble of limbs. It’s pitch black inside the walker. The hammock scrapes on its rings and shrieks in protest as they try without success to put even a sliver of space between themselves.</p><p>“You’re feverish,” he says, catching himself on her shoulder.</p><p>“It’s just a sun burn.”</p><p>“Does it hurt?”</p><p>“Only where it’s touching <em>everything</em>,” she grimaces.</p><p>“Come here,” he orders, rolling her over and pulling her on top of him in one smooth motion. It’s immensely intimate but also relieves all the pressure on her burn. She heaves her relief into the curve of his throat.</p><p>“Better?” he asks.</p><p>“So much better,” she whimpers. His chest rumbles pleasantly under hers in silent laughter.</p><p>“How are you here? In the hammock, I mean? Normally you’d be on the floor or something.”</p><p>“I wondered that myself. Seems like maybe we’re moving past that middle step and just coming together on one side or the other now.”</p><p>She considers this idea, thinking briefly of how far they’ve come since that first day they met, here in this very compartment. Ben has been patient with her for so long. She twinges with remorse.</p><p>“I’m sorry. For everything. For being so stubborn. For not settling on a time to meet before we got separated. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I know,” he kisses her forehead. “I’m sorry I pushed you. I just miss you so much when we’re apart. Rey, are you sure you’re alright? You’re very warm.”</p><p>“It’s been hotter than a blast furnace all day. You must be able to feel how airless it is in here. And I’ve got this miserable burn. Mostly I’m just tired. I’m so tired, Ben.” Her last words escape as a strangled sob and suddenly she’s crying into his soft shirt.</p><p>“What can I do? Please tell me what I can do to make it better for you.”</p><p>“Hold me as long as you can. Don’t let me go,” she implores.</p><p>“Never,” he promises fiercely.</p><p>She finally falls asleep to the steady cadence of his heart.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"Rey is startled to discover she is arguing only with herself." This is actually the thesis of the story. :-)</p><p>I am half-way through writing chapter ten as I post this. The remaining chapters will require more--how you say?--plot, so will take me a little more time to complete. Thanks for sticking with me this far!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Eighteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey spots the happabore from atop the shell of the corvette she is surveying. The lumbering creatures don’t usually venture this far from Niima Outpost, where they know a warm and brackish trough is waiting for them. She recognizes this particular beast; it has a unique pattern of scars inflicted by its savage owner, a Batuuan trader Rey despises.</p><p>She’s transfixed by its steady, relentless motion. It’s heading straight north, away from the settlement. So far as Rey knows, there’s nothing in that direction but open sand for hundreds of kilometers. Perhaps it will be caught by a roving band of Teedos, though they prefer their own luggabeasts as mounts.</p><p>Where is it going and why is it leaving behind the security of its food and water supplies? They aren’t terribly intelligent creatures but she’d guess this one had enough of being mistreated and decided to strike out in search of fairer fortunes elsewhere. Perhaps its master will track it down or it will die of thirst in the badlands. Perhaps neither of those things will happen.</p><p>Happabores have thick hides; their skulls and backs sport a bone plating as impenetrable as durasteel. This animal must have suffered unspeakable abuse to leave it so visibly marked. It may be heading for its doom but at least it will be doing so by its own choice. On its own terms.</p><p><em>It’s braver than I am, </em>Rey realizes. And she envies it.</p><p>That’s the thought that triggers the clawing panic in her body. The air is too close. The sun is too bright. She is suffocating to death here on Jakku. She will never get away, never have anything more than this relentless, grinding oblivion. And it’s her own fault, her own stupid, mindless obstinacy. The happabore has nothing to look forward to. Freedom is its only possible reward. Everything Rey could ever want in life—belonging, acceptance, safety, love—is not only waiting for her, it’s begging her to flee this place. To find the courage to make a new home, with a new family.</p><p>She’s filled with the desire to find Ben, to be where ever he is. At the same time, her capricious, untrustworthy mind cautions her against taking any measures that are too drastic. <em>Don’t rush, don’t leave. They might come back. You might miss them by minutes. Ben has more important things to do with his life anyway.</em></p><p>The longing to go and the fear of going are battling inside her, chaotic as a windstorm. She is afraid and angry and lightheaded and she wants wants wants wants—</p><p>The pitiless sun disappears. She’s not outside anymore; she’s on her knees in the center of a vast, high-ceilinged room. The walls are rough wood and rounded. Narrow slits at the top of the dome let in small amounts of light and air. It’s shadowy and cool.</p><p>She’s alone but only for a moment. A door behind her slams open and Ben rushes in.</p><p>“I knew it—” he begins. The rest of the thought is lost as Rey launches herself into his arms. He’s so tall now that when he holds her, her feet leave the floor.</p><p>“Are you alright? What’s wrong?” he demands, kissing her from ear to crown. But a door closes in another part of the building and he thinks better of staying. “Come on, this way.”</p><p>He guides her out a door opposite the one he entered. They walk down a short, dark corridor that ends in a circular exit. Ben motions for her to be silent and closes his eyes. She feels him reach out with the Force to make sure no one else is nearby.</p><p>“There’s nothing but open prairie around the temple,” he explains. “Can you run?”</p><p>She nods her head enthusiastically.</p><p>“When I say go, we head east—” he gestures to their right, “—as fast as we can, okay?”</p><p>He pushes the door slightly ajar and she can see it’s mid-day on Lothal. The air is almost as sultry as Jakku. The grass has browned in the late summer dryness. So much for her green, lush refuge.</p><p>On his signal, they sprint east. The tiny huts the apprentices occupy are dotted down a hillside sloping gently away behind them. They make for a large stone outcropping in the distance. Only once it is between them and the buildings does Ben slow.</p><p>“There’s a river not far from here. Let’s go there,” he suggests, folding her hand in his much larger one.</p><p>The grass rises steadily taller the farther they walk. Rey is captivated by the sensation of running her palm along the feathery-soft tops of the sheaths. When she glances at Ben, he’s smirking at her. The grass is so high she doesn’t spot the river until they break through onto its bank. It’s low and sluggish in the heat.</p><p>“It doesn’t look like much but it’s cooler than the air.” He tugs off his boots and Rey follows suit, sitting next to him as they slide their legs into the murky current. It’s the first river she’s ever seen.</p><p>“Someday,” he promises, tugging a loose curl behind her ear, “I’ll take you back to Chandrila and teach you to swim in our pond.”</p><p>“I’d like that,” she agrees. “So much.”</p><p>Ben wraps an arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for a tender kiss. Tiny blue insects flit over the surface of the water and buzz around their knees. Rey can feel the soft caress of swaying plant life under the soles of her feet.</p><p>“What happened? Not that I’m not thrilled to see you, because I am.” He rubs the tip of her nose. “But that felt different than it normally does. Less like the times the Force threw us together, more like the time we did it ourselves.”</p><p>“I did it. I wanted to see you so badly I thought I was going crazy. The next thing I knew, I was inside that building. That was the actual temple, wasn’t it?”</p><p>Ben doesn’t answer. He’s staring at the river without seeing it. “You did it yourself? So we know we can come together at times we plan <em>and</em> we can somehow individually cross over, too.” He looks at her with concern. “You weren’t in danger, were you? We’re occasionally put through training exercises that use intense situations, elevated adrenaline, those sorts of techniques. Fear and heightened focus can unlock abilities a student is otherwise unable to access.”</p><p>“I wasn’t in any danger. I just missed you.” She doesn’t tell him about the panic, her utter terror at the thought of spending the rest of her days on Jakku, apart from him.</p><p>“What were you doing when I showed up?”</p><p>“Uh, I had just finished up in the training room. I was putting the remotes away and I had this strong sense that you needed me. And that you were close by.”</p><p>“I did need you. To see you, I mean. I hope I didn’t cause any trouble showing up like that. Do you think your uncle sensed I was there?”</p><p>“Well, you picked the perfect time to appear because he isn’t on Lothal right now. We’re on our own for a month.”</p><p>“Where did he go?”</p><p>“The Senate wanted to consult with him in person about the situation in the Unknown Regions.”</p><p>“What exactly is going on there?”</p><p>“I don’t know the details. It sounds like some remnant of the old Imperial command has been trying to regroup, maybe make an eventual play to regain power.”</p><p>Rey thinks of the Graveyard, of the millions of lives lost in the struggle to end the Empire’s choke hold on the galaxy. “How horrible. I haven’t heard anything about it on Jakku.”</p><p>“It’s not publicly known. The parties in question are being very careful not to attract attention before they’re ready to make their move. But the Senate is keeping an eye on them. And they’ve got Luke involved now. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”</p><p>“Doesn’t sound like you are.”</p><p>He shrugs. “My grandparents lived through the Clone Wars and the fall of the Republic. My parents joined the Rebellion and brought down the Empire. These wars are as regular as tides. They roll through the galaxy and there isn’t much anyone can do to stop them.”</p><p>Rey studies him closely as he speaks. Ben has grown into a man before her eyes. His voice is deep and his features have sharpened. She wants to tell him how handsome he is. She wants to ask him to come to Jakku right now and start the life she has never allowed herself to envision.</p><p>But he’s still talking. “—and I told Luke so when he asked me to stay.”</p><p>That catches her attention. “He asked you to stay? Again?”</p><p>“He never stopped. His argument now is that the Senate needs all the help it can get against this emerging threat. He called me selfish and immature when I told him my help won’t make a kriffing bit of difference in a fight that big. He swings back and forth between trying to shame me and bribe me.”</p><p>“Bribe you with what?”</p><p>“An early knighthood. My own lightsaber. He wants to assign me back to the Core, to be some kind of liaison between the Senate and the new Jedi order on Lothal.”</p><p>“Sounds like he’s desperate to keep you,” Rey observes quietly. “Offering you all of that.”</p><p>“Luke wants the same thing he’s always wanted. My power, in service to his cause. He doesn’t give a damn about my happiness. I’m almost grateful you refused to come here. Otherwise, he’d be trying just as hard to keep you, too.” He squeezes her hand. “Hey, what is it?”</p><p>“Could Luke be right? Is it selfish to want to leave the Jedi now, when you’re so powerful in the Force? You just told me your family has been fighting for generations.”</p><p>“Rey, it’s precisely <em>because</em> my family has been fighting for generations that I want no part of it. It never ends. My mother’s home world was obliterated when she was our age. She doesn’t talk about it. I’m not sure she’s ever allowed herself a single minute to think about it. My entire life she’s been somewhere else. When I was a kid, she told me once that the reason she was always gone was because she was fighting for me. And it made me so angry. Because what I wanted—what I needed—was for her to be around. I don’t want to spend whatever time I have left fighting and killing and destroying things. That’s not the life I want.” He presses his lips to her shoulder.</p><p>“But aren’t we obligated to do what we can to help in the fight?”</p><p>“If you felt that way, why didn’t you come to Lothal as soon as you learned you were Force-sensitive?”</p><p>In truth, it has never occurred to Rey that her connection to the Force is something that can benefit the galaxy, let alone a duty she owes to others. She knows she has resisted leaving Jakku for years for purely selfish reasons. She wanted (<em>wants</em>, she corrects herself severely) her parents to return and find her. If Luke Skywalker himself had showed up in her AT-AT and begged her to join his temple, she would have refused. Like Ben, she longs for happiness, comfort, and peace.</p><p>“I’m not sure,” she admits. “It’s confusing.”</p><p>“I don’t find it confusing at all. I don’t believe the Force wants all living beings engaged in endless war. The purpose of life is creation, not destruction. Luke asked me to stay on Lothal until he gets back and I said that I would. But when he gets back—" he reaches for her face, tracing his thumb gently across her brow, “—when he gets back, Rey, I’m planning to leave here. For good. I want to come to Jakku. I want to come get you.”</p><p>There’s a peculiar ringing in her ears. She feels as if she is standing on the edge of a precipice, the highest destroyer she can imagine. She suspects she’s faint at the prospect of finally escaping. But then she understands that her hold on Lothal is slipping.</p><p>“A month,” she blurts, grabbing for her boots and kissing him hard. “We can—"</p><p>But she doesn’t have time to propose any other plans before she finds herself sprawled on the blistering metal of the corvette, with one month to figure out what comes next.<br/><br/></p><p>~~~~~</p><p><br/>As it happens, she does not have a month. Three weeks later, she falls asleep in her hammock and wakes up in Ben’s bed. She’s roused by the steady scratch of his pen as he writes lines on a sheet of paper, face set with concentration. He’s holding the crimson focusing crystal she gave him years ago, turning it over and over in his long fingers. The light from the small heating stove flashes across its surface with each twist.</p><p>He raises his head as if hearing a distant sound, then looks in her direction. “I was just thinking about you.”</p><p>“Perfect timing, then.” She wraps the bedclothes more snugly around herself and yawns.</p><p>“Were you sleeping?” he asks, laying the pen carefully down. Rey nods into his thin pillow. It smells like him.</p><p>He crosses the short distance from the table to the bed, crouching down. He looks at her with faraway eyes, tracing the line of her arm where it rests on the coarse blanket. “I could get used to this,” he warns.</p><p>Her voice catches in her throat as she asks, “Would you like that?”</p><p>“You know that I would.”</p><p>She thinks maybe she is finally ready. To let go of the past. To reach for a new future.</p><p>“Ben—” she starts, but he doesn’t hear her. He’s staring at the floor and his face is troubled.</p><p>“There’s something I have to tell you. Maybe that’s what brought you here tonight.”</p><p><em>You waited too long,</em> a familiar voice deep inside taunts her. <em>You’ve already lost him. You just don’t know it yet.</em></p><p>“Luke contacted the temple a few days ago. His strategy sessions are taking longer than he expected. He’s going to be gone for a few more weeks. And then when he returns,” Ben releases an exasperated sigh, “he pleaded with me to join him on a mission off-world. By special request of the Galactic Senate, a.k.a. my mother.”</p><p>“Did you agree to it?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Rey. I’m the oldest apprentice here and the strongest in the Force by…a wide margin. I don’t think he was lying when he said how much he needed my help. It’s an important charge and—”</p><p>“You don’t have to convince me, Ben. If you say it’s important work and you can help to do it well, then you’ve got to do it. I know you and your uncle haven’t always gotten on but he has done a great deal for you. It’s right that you should help him if he needs you.”</p><p>Ben looks pained. “What about you? Don’t you need me?”</p><p>She presses a kiss to the back of his hand where it rests next to her on the bed. “More than you can possibly know, but never in quite the ways you seem to think.”</p><p>He smiles wearily. “It will take a while, maybe a couple of months. We have a few different stops to make. But one of the places we’re going is Jedha.” When Rey looks blank, he explains, “It’s technically in the Mid-Rim but it’s not that far from Jakku. Compared to here, anyway. Maybe I could ask Luke to drop me off.” His tone is light.</p><p>“<em>Maker</em>, don’t do that. We don’t need both of us stuck there.” Ben grimaces. “I’m only teasing. Do you think that’s a good idea? To tell him about me after all this time?”</p><p>He rubs his eyes and pushes the hair back from his forehead. “I don’t know. Maybe I should just wait and see how things go.”</p><p>“Lie down with me,” she orders. “You look tired.”</p><p>He stretches out beside her on the narrow pallet. “There’s something else,” he says, sliding their fingers together. “I don’t know if it’s an issue or not but I feel like I need to talk to you about it before I go.”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“I’ve been thinking a lot about our connection in the Force. About how much stronger it’s gotten over the past few years. That could be because you and I were getting older and developing in our own abilities.”</p><p>“Or?”</p><p>“Or it could be, at least in part, because of this place. I think I told you once that Lothal is a vergence point in the Force. It could be that the…extreme concentration of energies here has somehow intensified the bond.”</p><p>She considers his words. “So you think that when you leave Lothal, things will change between us?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I hope not. But it’s possible. The bond might revert back to the way it was before, when I was living on Chandrila. We could see each other but we couldn’t physically manifest in the other person’s space.” He lifts her hand to his mouth and returns her earlier kiss. “No matter what happens, nothing important will change between us. I promise.”</p><p>But even as he says this, Rey feels a creeping sense of unease. It slithers up her spine and her neck and coils itself around her brain. Ben squeezes her hand as she stares at him, wide-eyed with anxiety.</p><p>“Don’t be afraid,” he whispers. “I feel it, too.”</p><p>“Is the Force trying to warn us? Maybe something important <em>is </em>about to change.” She offers a weak smile to cover her dread. “Maybe you’re about to become as famous as your uncle and lead the charge to save the galaxy.”</p><p><em>And forget all about me in the process</em>, her frightened heart howls without words.</p><p>He hears her, just the same. “That will never happen. Do you not know that by now? Do you not know…?” He wraps his hand around her neck and pulls her close, trying to prove his devotion with a desperate kiss. She can barely breath and she never wants it to end. When they break apart, he rests his forehead against hers, weaving his fingers around her knotted hair. “I love you, Rey. I’ve loved you half my life and that won’t ever change.”</p><p>No one has ever told her they loved her. No one has ever cared about her well-being or her happiness. No one has ever wanted her until Ben.</p><p>And she wants him, too. Wants to be his and to mark him, somehow, as hers. Rey knows all about fighting for things. Anything precious, anything worth having, is something you have to be prepared to do battle for. She isn’t quite sure what enemy she is setting herself against—the Force, destiny, Luke Skywalker—but she is overwhelmed by the conviction that if she does not bind him to her now, she will lose him forever.</p><p>“Ben,” she rasps, “I want…can we…?” She doesn’t know how to tell him what she needs, so instead she sits up on the narrow bed and begins pulling impatiently on her wraps.</p><p>At first, he’s too stunned to move. But then he sits up next to her, taking her wrists carefully in his hands. “Wait,” he urges softly. “I want to—<em>believe me</em>, I want to—but not like this. Not when we have no idea how much time we have or how long it might be before we see each other again. I couldn’t live with myself if…if anything happened.”</p><p>She understands what he means. He’s afraid if they spend tonight together, he might be leaving her on Jakku with another life to protect, another mouth to feed. She’s mortified the thought didn’t occur to her, not that she has any experience with these matters. How like Ben to be more protective of her than she is of herself.</p><p>That’s it, then. There is nothing more she can do. She will lose him, just at the moment she thought she finally had him. The Force is already pulling them apart; he senses it, too. There’s no time for goodbyes or for memorizing the lines of his face in the light of the fire, this final time she may ever see him.</p><p>There are so many things she wants him to know. Only one matters.</p><p>“I love you, too,” she breathes.</p><p>She still feels the radiance of his joy in the silence of walker, as she cries herself to sleep on the hard metal floor.<br/><br/></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Nineteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The last time it happens Rey is nineteen, though she doesn’t know that.</p><p>The weatherproofing on the AT-AT is damaged from a sandstorm and she’s using the remaining minutes of daylight to make what repairs she can. She realizes she needs a bit-driver she didn’t think to bring topside. Sliding down the incline of the massive foreleg, she feels a ripple in the air around her, a shift in the Force. She stops breathing.</p><p>Ben is standing next to the great metal knee joint of the walker, just staring at her. His expression is hard to parse. It’s part shock, part disbelief, part…fear?</p><p>Three-quarters of a year have passed since that night in his bed on Lothal. Rey has long-since given up expecting to ever see his face again. But the last spark of hope inside her, crushed almost into extinction, flares into immediate, stubborn brilliance.</p><p>She doesn’t think, she just leaps off the walker and straight at him.</p><p>He’s still as a statue for an instant, but then his arms wrap around her so tightly all the air is crushed from her lungs. They cling together wordlessly for a long time.</p><p>She kisses his cheeks, his eyes, his nose, every part of him she can reach. “Missed you so much…thought we’d never…been so long…”</p><p>Ben looks as if he’s in shock. He’s holding her so near it’s hard to breathe, but he isn’t answering and his eyes seem fixed on the far horizon. Something is clearly wrong.</p><p>“What is it? Are you alright? Why aren’t you kissing me back, Ben?”</p><p>He lets her down then, but only so he can free his hands to grab hold of her face. He looks at her like he’s never seen her before, pushing the damp strands of hair from her neck, running his thumbs across her eyebrows and cheeks. Then he yanks her back to his chest and presses his nose into her hair, inhaling deeply.</p><p>“You’re frightening me. What’s wrong? Tell me what’s going on.”</p><p>He shakes his head but doesn’t answer any of her questions. When she leans back just enough to see his face more clearly, he’s crying.</p><p>“Are you hurt? Did something go wrong on the mission? Where are you?”</p><p>“Are you real?” he whispers. “Am I dreaming you?”</p><p>She’s so relieved to hear his voice that she teases softly, “If you are, I would hope you’d have put me in a better place than this.” His look of anguish doesn’t change. “Can you see my surroundings?”</p><p>His eyes never leave hers. “Just you.”</p><p>“I thought I’d never see you again,” she confesses, burying her face in his neck and giving in to her own tears. “It’s so long since we were together. I missed you so much.”</p><p>“How long has it been?” he asks. His tone is strangely detached.</p><p>“Not quite a year. Ben, where are you? What’s happened? You’re acting so bizarrely.”</p><p>He swallows hard, then pulls away from her. “I’m on a ship,” is all he says.</p><p>“What ship? Where?”</p><p>He turns and begins pacing as he talks. He’s very close to the walker’s head, though he doesn’t see it.</p><p>“I’m on the ship the Senate gave us for our fact-finding mission. I’m…in space.”</p><p>“Are you still on that mission? After all this time?”</p><p>He keeps glancing back at her, as though he can’t trust that she’s standing there. “No, the mission’s finished. We’ve already made our report.”</p><p>“So where are you now? What are you doing?”</p><p>He bends suddenly at the waist, bracing his hands on his knees and taking great, gasping breaths. He looks as if he might be sick on the dunes.</p><p>“Are you ill? Say something!”</p><p>“I’m in orbit,” he barks. “Over Jakku.”</p><p>She can’t make sense of his behavior. Something is terribly out of kilter and she’s afraid.</p><p>“If you’re in orbit over Jakku, why are we connecting like this? Why don’t you just…land?”</p><p>“I did,” he gasps. “I did land. The first time I came, and the second, and now.”</p><p>“Could you not find me? I’m in the Goazon Badlands, not far from Niima Outpost—"</p><p>“I know where you live, Rey,” he snaps. His back is to her. It sounds like he is still crying.</p><p>Her knees begin to tremble. “Please, Ben, help me understand what’s happening.”</p><p>He straightens and turns suddenly. His face is splotchy red, streaked with tears. He wipes angrily at it with his sleeve. “I wish I could explain it to you. I wish I could make myself understand it.”</p><p>A cold kind of terror settles in her bones. She approaches him cautiously, as if a sudden movement might spook him into disappearing. He flinches when she reaches for his hand, just a little, but it’s enough to tear a jagged hole through her soul.</p><p>“I should have told you from the start. At first, I was afraid because you said your mother could have me taken from Jakku. I was just hoping they’d come back, you see? And then the years passed, and when you went to Lothal it seemed to be so good for you. I couldn’t bear to ask you to give that up for me. I should have told you it was just me here. I didn’t want you to know. I’m sorry.”</p><p>His expression shifts as she talks from pain into confusion. “I don’t…what are you talking about?”</p><p>“I’m trying to explain. You came to Jakku but when you saw how I lived you couldn’t even bring yourself to see me.”</p><p>He backs away, shaking his head in bewilderment. “No, no, Rey. That’s not it.”</p><p>“Then what?”</p><p>Ben thrusts both hands into his hair, pulling violently on the clumps. Instead of answering her question, he looks at her closely then asks, “How old are you?”</p><p>She’s taken aback. “You know that I don’t know that. Why would you ask—”</p><p>“How old do you think you are?”</p><p>She shakes her head helplessly. “I always assumed I was about the same age you are. You turned nineteen a few weeks ago, right?”</p><p>He’s looking around wildly, as if seeking inspiration for his next question. She wonders what he’s even seeing where he is.</p><p>“The Battle of Jakku,” he says abruptly. “You know a lot about that battle, don’t you?”</p><p>She has no idea what he’s driving at.</p><p>He steps closer. He looks slightly crazed. “When was that battle, Rey?”</p><p>“What in the galaxy—”</p><p>“Answer me!” he demands frantically. “When was the Battle of Jakku?”</p><p>“I don’t know the exact date. Something like…thirty years ago?”</p><p>His face goes from red to white in a matter of seconds. She wonders if he is going to faint.</p><p>“Rey, what year is it?”</p><p>“What <em>year</em> is it? Are you joking? It’s 34 ABY, Ben. You know that.”</p><p>His knees buckle and he sits hard on the ground. His face is blank. Rey rushes to his side, clutching at his tunic. “Are you hurt? Is Luke with you? Please, I don’t know how to help you. I’m so scared, Ben.”</p><p>“I landed on Jakku two months ago,” he starts without preamble. His voice is hollow, mechanical. “I read enough to know that Niima Outpost was the first place I should start looking for you. I knew you lived within speeder distance of the Graveyard and Niima’s the only settlement in the region. I asked someone to point me to Unkar Plutt. I figured I could just wait. You said you had to go there every day to get food and water. When I got close to the stall, I could hear some kind of commotion. Someone was yelling. At a little girl. With three knots of hair on her head.”</p><p>Rey feels dizzy. The universe is spinning out of control.</p><p>“He had this girl by the wrist. He was twice her size but right down in her face, screaming about her haul not being good enough to justify feeding her. The locals were gathering around to watch the show. Before I could make sense of what I was seeing or interfere, this little girl kicked the bastard in the shin and when he hunched over, she punched him in the nose and ran. Right past me.” He looks at her, eyes glassy. “That’s when I knew for sure it was you.”</p><p>“Me?” she whimpers.</p><p>“I thought I was going insane. I asked an old woman washing some junk. She told me the girl’s name was Rey. That she had been abandoned on Jakku. No one knew where she came from or who she belonged to. The woman didn’t know where she—you—lived, so I tracked you into the desert, to an abandoned AT-AT in the middle of nowhere.”</p><p>Rey’s eyes flick involuntarily to the walker beside them.</p><p>“What happened then?” she asks. Her voice sounds as if it’s coming from a different person.</p><p>“I left.” He stands up abruptly and begins pacing around her. “I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. And I was afraid to interact with you. I was afraid to…change things.”</p><p>“Change things?”</p><p>“Rey, the Battle of Jakku happened in 5 ABY. The year I was born. Nineteen years ago. Where I am right now, it’s not 34 ABY, it’s 24 ABY. You are somehow living a decade further into the future than I am. The Force hasn’t just been connecting us across space all these years. It’s been connecting us across time.”</p><p>The muscles in her stomach clench and she lurches forward, retching into the sand. His hands are on her back immediately, gentle and soothing. He apologizes again and again.</p><p>When the convulsions subside, Rey draws a shaky arm across her face. “You said you’ve been back twice since. Why?”</p><p>Ben presses his forehead against her back. “To see you. Make sure you were alright. Try to convince myself that what I was seeing was really happening. And,” his voice cracks, “because I missed you so much and I was terrified that now that I knew, the Force might never connect us again.”</p><p>“You never tried to speak to…me?”</p><p>“I told you, I was too afraid that if I spoke to you I’d be changing things. In our past. I was petrified I’d screw something up and somehow lose you. Lose what we have now.”</p><p>“You know what’s strange? I remember the day you described. I remember Plutt grabbing my wrist and shrieking at me. Humiliating me in front of the other scavengers. I remember coming here to this walker and being livid about it.” She makes herself look back at him. “Do you know why I remember it so clearly? That was the very first day I ever saw you.”</p><p>His jaw drops in astonishment. “You’re telling me that if I had tried to make contact with you that day, I would have seen you talking to me?” Ben’s breath comes in short bursts. He shoots up from the ground but doesn’t seem to have any plan beyond that.</p><p>“Why would the Force do this? What does this mean?” He doesn’t seem to be speaking to her so much as debating with himself. “I was born the same year as the Battle of Jakku; you spent your life on Jakku salvaging its wrecks. We’re ten years apart in age but we grew up together. We’re both Force-sensitive. I discovered we were actually separated in time by ten years on the exact day in your life when we first met. Why bring us together at all? What was the point?” He’s spinning in circles where he stands.</p><p>Rey combs her fingers through the sand, imagining it flowing up and over her in a great tide, leaving nothing behind but clean, dry bones. “Maybe,” she suggests softly, “the Force knew we needed each other. Maybe it knew how lonely we both were. Maybe it knew we were meant to fall in love.” Her tears make dark spots on the fabric of her pants.</p><p>He hauls her roughly to her feet and kisses her fiercely. She tastes the salt of their tears. “I do love you, Rey. I love you,” he groans against her lips, as if he is trying to sear the words permanently into her skin.</p><p>“I love you, too. But what happens now, now that we know? What if you’re right and the Force stops allowing us to see each other. What do we do, Ben?” She collapses against his chest, shaking uncontrollably.</p><p>For a long time, he is silent. Then he says, “It’s not what <em>we</em> do. It’s what <em>I </em>do.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I have to wait, Rey. While you grow up and live your life. While we get to know each other as children. None of that has happened for you yet, in my time.”</p><p>It’s more than she can take in. “I can’t ask you to wait ten years for me.”</p><p>“You’d never have to ask. I’d wait ten lifetimes for you. Ten centuries. I just wish…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I wish you hadn’t grown up alone in this wasteland in the first place. I wish I could spare you from having to do it again. I know that makes no sense—”</p><p>“I understand what you mean. Where you are—or when, I suppose—I’m still that child. But you said yourself, you can’t change anything or we might never find our way back to each other.”</p><p>He lifts the soft sleeve of his tunic and wipes away the streaks from her face. His is a picture of agony. “If I’m right, this will be the last time we meet like this. I’ll be back for you, a few weeks after my twenty-ninth birthday. If it works like I think it will, from your perspective it should only be a few days.”</p><p>“But for you it will ten years!” She flings her arms around his neck, as though she can lash them together with only her will. Another thought occurs to her. It pierces her heart.</p><p>“Ben,” she whispers into his ear, “I don’t expect you to…to wait for me. You can’t put your life on hold like that. I know you want to save me from Jakku but in all that time in between, if you met someone else…I’d understand.”</p><p>“You still don’t get it, do you? There is no one else, Rey. Not for me. Not ever. You’ve been the most important person in my life since I was nine years old, and you will be until I die.”</p><p>They both feel it at the same time. The frisson and tug and sense that the reality around them is slipping just a little.</p><p>“No,” Rey moans, “no, no, no, no…”</p><p>Ben presses his lips hard against hers. He’s gripping her neck and waist so tightly it hurts. “I’ll come back for you, sweetheart,” he promises. “Rey, I love you so—”</p><p>Then she’s sobbing into the sand, each tear disappearing as if it had never been there at all.<br/><br/></p><p>~~~~~</p><p><br/>The next three days are the longest of Rey’s life. She’s in a constant state of agitation. What if something has gone wrong? What if he has been hurt or he can’t get to Jakku? What if, after ten years alone, he has changed his mind about her?</p><p>But as she makes her way back from Niima at sunset on the third day, she feels him. Really feels him, for the first time in her life. They are on the same world, at the same time. <em>In</em> the same time. It’s like nothing she has experienced and her heart leaps knowing that at this exact moment, Ben is feeling her, too.</p><p>When she guides the speeder over the final crest, she can see his ship next to the AT-AT. It’s not large but it looks well-made, expensive. It’s exactly the sort of ship she would have pictured Ben wanting. She’s knows already it’s called the <em>Grimtaash</em>.</p><p>As she steps out of the sunlight and into the dim interior of the walker, heart hammering, she feels unaccountably nervous. This is Ben, her Ben, and yet so much time has passed for him that he is surely not the same person she knows, not the boy she kissed goodbye just days ago.</p><p>He’s standing in front of her wall of time. His back is to her but she can see that he is running a fingertip over each of the marks she made for him. He must know she is behind him but he doesn’t turn around right away. Rey reaches out through the Force to try and read his emotions. Her level of fear is nothing compared to his.</p><p>“You’re here,” she whispers. “You’re finally here.” His entire body responds to the sound of her voice. He turns, so slowly, and stares at her.</p><p>He’s different and just the same. His face is older but more striking, which she wouldn’t have believed was possible. He seems taller and more commanding than she remembers. He’s not dressed like a Jedi student any more. The dark clothes and high dark boots he’s wearing remind her of the smugglers that pass through Niima from time to time. Her eye is drawn immediately to the bright silver weapon hanging from his belt. “You got your lightsaber, then?”</p><p>“What?” he asks distractedly. He’s transfixed by the sight of her face.</p><p>It’s so strange to have him here, inside the walker. She’s <em>seen</em> him here before, of course, but he has never been able to perceive what was around him. The space feels entirely too small for his massive frame. Rey has always thought she’d be overcome with shame if Ben ever saw how she lived. Instead, she finds herself wanting to say</p><p><em>here is the hammock where we slept</em> and</p><p><em>this is where you gave me the jogan fruit </em>and</p><p><em>I cried for you there and there and there and there</em>.</p><p>Ben seems rooted to the spot. He’s radiating love and longing and terror. He can’t possibly believe she might have changed her mind about him? Still an idiot, after all this time.</p><p>It’s impossible to say which of them moves first. One moment they are on opposite sides of the compartment. The next, they are crashed together in its center, stars suddenly locked into orbit.</p><p>“<em>Maker</em>, I missed you…thought I would die of missing you…been so long, Rey…”</p><p>“I love you so much. Never leave me again.”</p><p>“I’m never, <em>ever</em> letting you go again.”</p><p>She knows it’s possible to survive the most aching loneliness imaginable. It has not occurred to her before that someone might actually die of happiness. As Ben relearns every line, every freckle, every curve of her face with his lips, she feels the song of the Force emanating from within her. Each cell in her body rings with the joy of it. She is alive to the universe in a way she has never known.</p><p>“I want to hear everything. Tell me every single thing that has happened to you since I last saw you,” she gasps, as his fingers find their way past her wraps to remembered softness.</p><p>He laughs against her throat. “I will. I promise. But first, I want to get you out of this hellhole once and for all. Are you ready for that?”</p><p>There isn’t much she wants to take. He helps her collect up a small pile of well-thumbed books, a doll, a helmet. He shakes his head in mute astonishment when he sees the pile of fruit stones, stacked in a tiny pyramid next to her hammock. She insists on taking them all, and all the empty water vessels, too. She will not leave a single memory behind. Nearly all of them fit in a battered old satchel.</p><p>She slings her quarterstaff across her back and takes a final look around the only home she can remember. Ben is quiet but never so far away he cannot touch her. He nuzzles her temple affectionately. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“Yes. Just remembering.”</p><p>“I hope at least a few of the memories are good.”</p><p>“Every good memory I have of this place is about you,” she admits. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me, when you asked why the Force ever brought us together. You saved me, Ben. So many times. You saved me from starvation, from injury, from fear and loneliness, but mostly from despair. I’m not sure I would have survived without you.”</p><p>“I feel the same way,” he sighs into her hair. “I think back to how lonely I was as a kid, how incredibly angry I was at my parents, at my uncle, at the universe. If you hadn’t come into my life when you did, I don’t like to think about where I might have ended up. I remember you telling me once, when we were really young, that if I was mad and I didn’t tell someone, I would just get <em>more mad</em>.” His shoulders shake with amusement. “I think about that all the time, about how I didn’t know then that you were going to end up being the one person I could always talk to. Thank you for that.” He presses a kiss to the soft skin below her ear, making her shiver.</p><p>“You’re welcome. Will you do one more thing for me?”</p><p>“Name it.”</p><p>One minute later they are outside, sitting on top of the walker with their legs dangling over the edge. The sun is nearly down and the first of the twin moons is just clearing the horizon.</p><p>“This is where I told you that,” she recalls. “About getting mad. You were sitting just there, where you are now. That was the night you gave me the beautiful little book.”</p><p>He laughs gently, caressing the back of the hand he is holding.</p><p>“I’ve spent so many days and nights waiting, Ben. All that time, I thought I was waiting for my family to come and find me. And I was, it just wasn’t the family I thought.”</p><p>He kisses her for that, and for every minute of the past ten years when he couldn’t.</p><p>“Where should we go? I’ll take you anywhere in the entire galaxy. What would you most like to see?”</p><p>She doesn’t hesitate. “I want to see the orchard. And the pond.”</p><p>The love shining from his eyes is everything.</p><p>“Home it is, then,” he smiles.<br/><br/></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A few thoughts on time: I like the string theory of time, which suggests that rather than thinking of time as a piece of string stretched taut--along which we progress in a linear fashion from one side to the other--we should instead think of it as a piece of string pooled in the palm of our hand. Every place where the string touches itself is a place where two "moments" in time might connect or overlap.</p><p>All of which is too say, "wibbly wobbly, timey wimey" and please don't think about it too hard or your brain will explode. I did track the timelines as carefully as I could. In at least one case, I had to rewrite a passage at the last minute when I realized that something I was writing about would not have happened in Ben's timeline but would have happened in Rey's. Couldn't have them catching on too early!</p><p>For anyone interested, *canonically* Ben was born in 5 ABY, Rey in 15 ABY. The Battle of Jakku was in 5 ABY. Ben went to Luke's temple (location unknown) in 15 ABY. Chandrila was the galactic capital until it moved to Hosnian Prime in 28 ABY. The "Cold War"--the period of time during which the First Order was making itself known and trying to supplant the government--was from 29 to 34 ABY. And 34 ABY, of course, is the year in which "The Force Awakens" takes place, and Hosnian Prime is destroyed by Starkiller Base.</p><p>*This* story begins in 14/24 ABY, when Ben and Rey are both nine.</p><p>This chapter concludes in (24)/34 ABY, with slightly happier outcomes.</p><p>At one point, I considered the possibility that Ben would simply refuse to allow Rey to grow up on Jakku once he figured out the time anomaly. He would insist on intervening in her nine-year-old life, even if it meant she would not grow up to feel the same way about him. But that was both 1) a potentially much angstier ending, and 2) a much more complex time travel story about changing the past. Ultimately I liked the idea of Ben waiting for Rey. He just loves her that much and I am a sucker for epic "always meant to be" love stories.</p><p>The next chapter will be an epilogue, the schmoopiest schmoopfest I have ever written. Consider yourself warned. :-)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Epilogue: Twenty/Thirty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning: May cause tooth decay.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Excuse me,” she pouts. “Can’t you see that I am <em>trying</em> to read this book in peace?”</p><p>“I can see very well,” he murmurs, mouth pressed into the warm skin of her hip. The bones no longer show there, sharp and stark. “Don’t mind me. Carry on.”</p><p>“I hardly see how I can be expected to concentrate, under the circumstances.” She’s trying not to laugh and his lips twitch as they meander across her stomach.</p><p>“Maybe try reading out loud,” he suggests helpfully. He’s found a freckle of which he is particularly fond and is concentrating his attentions accordingly.</p><p>She can barely maintain her haughty expression. “You won’t like it. It’s poetry.”</p><p>He groans, more for her amusement than anything. He doesn’t mind poetry, particularly if she’s the one reading it.</p><p>“Not that terrible Mandalorian war propaganda we studied at the temple? <em>Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.</em> Awful dreck.”</p><p>“Worse than that, I’m afraid. It’s love poetry. From your mother’s Alderaanian collection.”</p><p>He flashes her a crooked grin and she has to bite the inside of her lip to keep from breaking. “They were rather good at love poetry.” He traces the line of her side with his nose as his hands go in search of other curves to explore. “Read me something.”</p><p>She’s looking at him, not the book, when she recites quietly, “<em>I was made and meant to look for you and wait for you and become yours forever.</em>”</p><p>He’s quiet for a moment, his breath falling lightly against her shoulder. “You’re wrong. I do like that. I like it very much.”</p><p>“I like you very much,” she whispers, finally allowing a flirtatious little smirk to betray her feelings. Not that she can hide those from him.</p><p>He shifts his focus to her collarbone. “That works out for me, because I like you pretty well, too.” She giggles helplessly as he slides the book from her fingers and tosses it aside.</p><p>The sun on Chandrila is kindly. It never has malicious intentions, not like the murderous one on Jakku. Not so long ago, Rey couldn’t have imagined lying outside on a summer’s day, doing nothing more than enjoying the beauty of the world around her. Now it’s her regular pastime.</p><p>They are resting in a favorite spot by the pond behind the orchard. Most afternoons, they find their way back here with armloads of blankets and books. Ben insists on carrying more food than they can realistically eat. The face looking back at Rey from the mirror—a thing she has never owned before—is rounder and softer each day.</p><p>It was strange, at first, not to struggle up from her hammock in the dark of early morning. She had trouble sleeping in the too-comfortable bed, with its many layers and textures of fabrics. More than once, she dreamed she was drowning in them. In those early weeks, she napped more comfortably on the ground here in the woods than she could in the house. But she is adjusting.</p><p>Ben is helping. He delights in introducing her to new experiences, like hot water showers and cooking real meals and swimming in the pond. They gathered in the fruit from last autumn’s harvest. He held her the night she saw snow fall and cried, overcome by the magnificent, peaceful stillness of it.</p><p>They’ve been on Chandrila for a little more than a year. Ben’s parents no longer live in his childhood home. The Senate relocated the galactic capital to the Hosnian system and his mother followed. His father, as far as Rey can tell, lives on a cargo freighter and travels the cosmos with a Wookie co-pilot. The empty house is theirs to use as they please.</p><p>So they are alone but no longer lonely. They eat and sleep and make love. Rey wonders sometimes if the entire thing is a fever dream, if she is actually still on Jakku, delirious and starving. But then Ben gives her some new gift—showing her how to letter by hand or teaching her to play sabacc—and she knows she could never have invented anything so complex and wonderful in a dying imagination.</p><p>They talk late into every night, trading secrets and stories that the Force bond never allowed time for. Ben has recounted what happened to him in their long separation. How he returned to Luke Skywalker’s temple and offered his skills to the Master Jedi, but only on the condition that he would not take the vow and would be released from service in a decade’s time. How Luke, not so dogmatic as his nephew had always believed, saw an opportunity to evolve the Jedi into something new. Instead of warrior monks who renounced attachment, they might instead become true peacekeepers, with strong bonds of family and community on the worlds they protected. Ben spent ten years, by his own request, completing missions on some of the poorest planets in the galaxy. If he could not be with Rey, he could help others in her honor.</p><p>He hasn’t yet told Luke about Rey, or about their long and extraordinary connection in the Force. He fears that Luke will try to pull him back into the order, and her besides. When they arrived on Chandrila, Ben insisted they could stay as long as she wanted, the rest of their lives if it suited her. But she would like to see Lothal in person and she’s curious to meet Luke. Someday. When they are both ready.</p><p>The dappled light shining through the branches turns her eyelids a luminous scarlet. After so many years of mind-numbing, back-breaking labor, she can’t quite bring herself to accept that this life is hers. That Ben is hers. In the dark of night, she often wakes and remembers another place and time, when he trusted her enough to share the magic rising inside him. Now Rey has entrusted herself to him, and there are so many kinds of magic they’ve discovered together since.</p><p>“I’ve read that, you know.” He slips a thin strap off her shoulder. “I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but when I was younger, there was this girl…”</p><p>“Oh, really?”</p><p>“I was completely infatuated with her. Embarrassingly so. I must have read that little book a dozen times. Maybe more.”</p><p>“She was a lucky girl,” she sighs, running her fingers through the dark hair curling around his ears. She told him months ago she preferred it longer; he hasn’t cut it since.</p><p>“I was the lucky one. She was exceptional.” He brushes his lips against hers as he repeats from memory, “<em>You were made perfectly to be loved, and surely I have loved you, in the idea of you, my whole life long.</em>”</p><p>She lets out a long, shivering breath. “That is very, very good. I bet she liked that quite a lot.”</p><p>He chuckles against her throat. “I never had the courage to tell her. At least, not until a long time after I figured it out for myself.”</p><p>“I’m sure she knew. She probably felt exactly the same way about you.”</p><p>He pulls back to study her face. His voice is low and earnest when he asks, “Did you?”</p><p>“My whole life long,” she vows.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I warned y'all it was going to be schmoopy. &lt;3</p><p>The "Mandalorian" war poetry quoted is actually Sun Tzu's "The Art of War."</p><p>The two lines of love poetry were composed by the great Alderaanian bards, Robert and Elizabeth Barrett Browning.</p><p>I had several comments from folks who hoped I would go into detail about what Ben was up to for their ten years apart. I didn't want to explore that too deeply, because I didn't want the ending to be too neat. I don't think Ben could have realistically brought the First Order down by himself. But I do think that the combination of Ben not going over to the Dark Side, plus Luke not going into exile, plus Leia (and Han, I guess) not being distracted by all the family drama might have created conditions in which the First Order never achieved galactic domination in quite the same way.</p><p>I discovered while researching a few things for this story a little book that I hadn't heard about when it was published, called "Rey's Survival Guide." Unfortunately, it just arrived in today's mail so I didn't get the benefit of reading it before writing, but I don't think there is anything in here that directly contradicts canon. I was surprised at just how charming the book is--it's designed to look like Rey's personal journal, full of hand-lettered pages and line drawings--and I recommend picking it up if you're dying to read more canon content about Jakku.</p><p>Hope you enjoyed reading!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Title is a lyric from my very favorite MissThis song, "StarCrossed." </p><p>If you like Reylo and you don't know the work of MissThis...you're welcome. :-)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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